1 year

It's been a year since I've worked at the cancermount. I'm not sure why I'm mentioning it but my fingers were itchy to type and I looked at the date. It seems like it wasn't even that long ago but now it's a lifetime ago. It was a long day too, 14 hours I was there.

I sent out like 30 resumes these past 2 weeks and have been on 5 interviews. None of them called back for a second interview. Although one said not until tomorrow earliest but the other one I should probably call. Regardless, I'm not hanging on my hopes on one particular place. I want to go back to school. But I want a job that still makes an impact and something that I can enjoy.

I should go back to sending out resumes. Tomorrow, ChasingAmy and I are going to a job fair/open call in midtown. I'm supposed to be compiling a list of nearby hotels so we can hit those places up too. I'm horribly sleepy and I'm going to let my hair down. Ponytail is giving me a headache. SVU marathon on today, slowing down my progress. Plus these cramps. Please uterus, work with me here.

Lastly, from remembered flashes of my dream last night. Johnny Damon took my iPhone then Benson & Stabler came down to question and investigate. Woke up with iPhone in hand ringing for the alarm. HAHAHA no wonder I slept so long.

Early

It's too early to be discussing family dynamics with my father. I get it he's laid back, he let's ish slide, he generally keeps quiet even when he shouldn't simply he doesn't care for the drama. I get it. No drama.

He keeps telling me that he can't parent us because we grew up here, because we don't understand what he's saying. So he simply lets us be. However, my point of contention is when he asks me to help him police my sisters it's simply a lose lose situation for me. First of all, somewhere along the way my *younger* sisters have decided I'm some sort of moronic asshole who's opinion doesn't really count. Let's discount the fact I held more jobs at Rutgers, volunteered as well, double majored and graduated with a pretty darn good GPA. In four years and a membership in Golden Key, thank you. High school, got my butt into an exclusive county program that more or less guaranteed their butts in there because I was already in it. C'mon! I beat out 272 kids for one spot in a class of 28 kids. Then a year in social work then 4.5 years working in midtown. I'm not an expert at alot of things but I'm hardly inexperienced. Yet they talk to me like I'm an idiot. So now I'm the idiot who's trying to tell them something and I'm the idiot who's not their parent. Basically I end up the idiot on their ish-list.

I told him we need parenting. How can Tim tell Stephanie that she's not allowed to talk to Juju that way but she turns around and does the exact thing to him? You can't expect a kid to do as I say not as I do bs. She's 6! It's pretty much monkey see, monkey do. Generally I try not to start conversations of any inflammatory nature to either of them because I get the barked out response despite the fact I've gotten good at using my inside voice. But F me when they talk like that to me. Some people really do need a reality check via punch in the head. And by inflammatory everything except puppies, kittens, and Ramen [because who the fuck doesn't like Ramen?]. About the parenting, he brings up my mother again and about how she knew that he was going to be the quiet one. I don't think he gets the whole step up to the plate talk because he keeps insisting that's how he is. I hope he doesn't expect change. Or improvement. Because without any proper communication we're pretty much fucked.

And reason 1 million it sucks my mother is dead. This fucking bs. It's hysterical because if I somehow get into my head that I really really really want to talk to her, I'd go fucking hang myself they wouldn't even see it coming because nobody talks about the important shit. Well now I've gone and said it.

Hitting the Pavement

Yesterday, I had an interview at a property a short walk away from Penn Sta in NYC. Herald Square, if I weren't overly annoyed by the thousands of tourists I had to walk through just to get to my bank ATM [to avoid the service fee] I guess it's fine. I had forgotten Times Square was all closed off on Broadway and now there are just tons of people enjoying the atmosphere there. TKTS is also finished, with a huge staircase as a roof so people are sitting there eating lunch or just people watching. And there's a huge American Eagle being constructed on the corner of 46th across the Marquis that used to have that terrible diner with the overpriced tiny orange juice. I can't remember the name for crap. Anyhoot, the interview went well I think. Hopefully they'll call me back for a second interview. And if they don't, I'm not above calling them back and asking WTF.

After that, ChasingAmy and I hit the pavement. And hit it hard we did. I think we went by 16 hotels, maybe 18? I lost count. Next time, we decided we'd stop after each hotel and make notes and organize the business cards. I think it was productive. We started on 32nd and had walked up to 56th, giving our cover letters and resumes. A few places told us to apply online but they did give us business cards. I'll have to follow up on that today. On the plus side, already got one call back and my interview is this Thursday. So today's my day off from the city. I'll be at the job fair at Macy's tomorrow then downtown to hit the hotels there. Still gotta make our list from that. I think she's got 5 on the list but I want to see if they're near some other hotels I want to check out. Friday hopefully I can relax too but at the same time hopefully the interview from yesterday calls me back for a 2nd interview. We stopped at a club too, hoping we'd run into an old f&b manager we worked with. It was good seeing him since I had forgotten what it was like to speak with another capable manager who wasn't covered in office politics and you're general stinky bullsh*t personality. It was good to shoot the breeze & it was actually nice enough during that part of the day to just do that. He also took our resumes; he said he knows people still in the industry and he'll check it out. He also offered free lunch next time we're in the city. God, there were actually good times at the cancermount ages ago.

I was thinking, maybe I should just apply for front office clerk jobs. Or at least make it clearer that while I have managerial experience I'm not above taking a lower position. It'll be especially necessary if I want to go back to school. My work ethic was borderline obsessive because I just had to make sure things will be ok after I left. If it meant checking and rechecking and being clear on instructions repeatedly then I did which more or less resulted in 10-12 hour work days. And look at what happened in the end. Anyway, if I just have a regular "line staff" [the most hated phrase other managers used to refer to the clerks/bellmen/pbx/res agents etc which I took offense too because FUCK didn't we all start there?!? I worked with some real assholes I tell you what.] ... line staff, I'd have time to go back to school. I've been watching X-Files again and I'd forgotten what used to drive me. Man I used to want being a leo so bad. It'd burn inside. I'd read about the FBI and although I was on the fence about the whole being shipped off to bumblefuck, middle of USA for the first decade until I can get my choice location turned me off, I still wanted it. And then nothing, I forgot all about it. Borderline obsessive might have been an understatement. Maybe I can still make it to NCIS.

Then again, I'd love nothing more than to be a detective. Don't have to be a vampire though. Points for who I'm referring too.

Music: Before the Lobotomy by Green Day.

Interviews

Well.... not sure what to think of today's interview. I went to Red Bank today and I found the place easily enough, arriving there 20 minutes ahead of my appointment. The interview was long and she had many scenario questions and what my thoughts were during my previous job. Very interesting indeed, but difficult as it's been almost a year since I thought of that place. I'm not going into much detail but that last job was like escaping an abusive relationship; you know it's bad for you, it's hard to leave and when you're out on the curb you want to go crawling back. It was F'd up. The HR lady was very nice and another manager sat in for the interview, which later on I found out is probably the owner's son if not the owner himself. He was a bit young now that I think about it. He reminded me of one of the BK guys which lead to dinner at BK, where I felt all sick and woozy. ANYHOOT... I digress. They both explained what the property was about and that the current person holding the position I applied for isn't happy and not working out so they're kind of hiring behind her back. Aside from the glaring end of the other spectrum between this property and where I "grew up" in the industry, that bit didn't sit well with me at all. It was actually 2 properties and the position is a shared management position. Which means, if I end up there I'd be going back and forth between 2 places. No big I guess. The cancermount had alot more rooms but not conference space. One of their challenges is boosting corporate accounts. And the fd turnover is at industry standard.

The other property also contacted me this afternoon. Actually I got blindsided by a phone interview. I get it though, no one gets their time wasted with a face to face interview if the candidate doesn't feel right. Plus the candidate never has to waste moolah with travelling. He asked about the cancermount too and my reason for leaving. I don't think I sounded bitter. I'm worried actually, that the douche of ops will ruin any chances I have with other properties. He's a manipulative used up b*tch and I really really just want to get over and past this. Honestly, you've done your piece now give me peace! A third place also called today, another HR lady [she sounds confident as opposed to Lisa from today who sounded harried on the phone], I'm really happy this one called. And as soon as I get past the flash intro page, I can get my read on about the property. I kind of hope to get that one since it's a larger property and I'm used to it. But the one by Grand Central wouldn't be too shabby either, not even 200 rooms and boutique to boot. Actually the one right on 42nd would be perfect. But they haven't called.

Man, I miss The X-Files.

Nervous?

I have to take the train in 3 hours to Red Bank for an interview. 1/2 train ride, 10 minute walk to this particular HR. I feel like I should be nervous but right now, not so much. Probably on the train ride I will.

Tried on my clothes last night, they fit tighter than last time. And I wish it weren't fall so I'd be okay wearing a skirt suit but I doubt I can get any pant suits on at the moment. I should probably try out that black one I own. I might feel better about that. Or you know, be sensible and check the bloody weather.

I still have to call the other place and try to arrange an interview. And print my resume out for crying out loud.

I'm getting off, I'm getting anxious.

62nd post

62 twists up my insides. Damn, stupid iPhone's playing that Phil Collins song from Tarzan.

It's September already and here I am still woefully unemployed. Honestly, I'm going to give it another month before I either throw myself in the river or go with the less glamorous plan B. B consisting of just getting a retail job [Naz says Macy's so she can partake in the discount] and go back to school. Back to school for what, I'm not sure. Should I take online courses for investigation? Giant says I could get a job in security in the city however, he gripes about the office politics and it just seems so atrocious that I'd only survive if I were some sort of hardcore rule follower or dry snitch. I did entertain the notion of being a rat, for a good minute.

Some part of me would be ecstatic to not be bound to a solid work schedule, requests for days off more or less given irregardless of seniority or holiday season. Man... that hotel beat the crap out of me and maybe I just pushed myself to give more than I had but I just couldn't do any less than I did. The one difference about being unemployed this time is I'm not nursing a broken heart. So that's a score...however everything else sucks as I remembered it. The lack of activities is what really kills. And it's not the betrayed feeling that keeps me up at night, it's all those missed opportunities. Like quitting on my own terms. Or going to that other hotel that I interviewed at. Or, God I'm so sorry about this, following my course of study and doing something in law enforcement. Instead I'm great at hotel wheeling and dealing and handling the staff. I will pat myself in the back for my earned promotion and still question why having a work ethic and being truthful makes a person unpopular with someone up high. Just boggles my mind.

*sigh*

So... what should I go to school for? My father did magazine layouts and was a photographer, a lifetime ago. My mother was a hairdresser, seamstress, and all around good mother/homemaker. And what seems like a different layer of me that I shed, I used to write really well. How did I become so...boring? I'm not even sure that's the right word. I've lost pride or is it confidence in alot of things I was once capable of. How do I get that ish back?

I picked up the flat belly diet book. I'm supposed to grocery shop for it tomorrow, already I'm not looking forward to it since we're not allowed coffee. And I picked up a glossy but informative mag/book about digital photography. It's a $400 camera, I shouldn't just sit on my shelf. Just have to keep choppin', keep pushing, and even if I feel anxiety creep in just frakkin accept it and keep moving.

Just be yourself...unless you suck.