Times Square

If it weren't for the teeny fact that I work around Times Sq, I'd avoid it like the plague tomorrow. However, I am on the schedule for tomorrow so I must go to work. I'm hoping the overnight doesn't call out because that'll just be complete sh!t on his part and that he shows up early. I could possibly catch the train back home and actually be home when it hits midnight. Either which way it's just another day right?

2009 sucked @ss, let's face it. I was unemployed for 10.5 months of it, spiraling into a depression involving my self worth and confidence in my intelligence and ability to contribute to the human race. Considering I hadn't actually quite pulled myself out of my mother passing away depression, it's a frakkin wonder I didn't start randomly stabbing myself just to feel something else. Whoever said vanity was bad never had to use it to prevent a physical manifestation of the sad darkness infecting a person's mind. Honestly, don't think it's possible to dig one's heart out and stay conscious but God help me I had days I wanted to try with a knife. My relationship trudges on, struggles on, but miraculously lives on and I hope it does so until the day one of us dies. My family continues to be a microcosm of dysfunction, fraught with denial and an unbelievable stubbornness to compromise with reality or at least learn from it. On the bright side, my one remaining parent continues to believe in his children, even though he still sees and treats us as such... Hmm... Everyone loses with her passing and for the rest of time there will be no one else quite like her.

Do not misunderstand, there were some bright points to 2009. Hanging out with my father and learning about his life is certainly rewarding. I get to know my father some. I could also point out that I wouldn't have gotten this chance if my mother was still alive because my father pretty much kept to himself, believing we would misunderstand him and choosing instead to keep his mouth shut. He's a watcher/character studier more than anything, and if you needed the low down on someone he'd be the one to ask. I went to a few concerts with my sisters which were always fun. I got to attend Devils games since I wasn't working nights and got to watch all Yankees season. And yeah the Yankees rule haha! And I work in a place that is hella less stressful than the cancermount but being colored by past experiences, I may never trust another work place again. Plus the squicky feeling I'll always get that I accepted a job unknowingly as someone's replacement. Not for nothing, the kid was ickier than a dried used condom stuck to the bottom of your shoe after a night of binge drinking, but still... being fired sucks and knowing you "trained" your own replacement's gotta burn. Hopefully he learns from it and that's the most I can say about that.

I neither have any useful advice for the coming year nor resolutions to attempt to follow. Seriously agree with Yoda here regarding resolutions: do or do not, there is no try. Quitting smoking was the one goal I stuck to so the rest hopefully just falls in place in due time with a little bit of effort and conscious awareness on my part to do better. To borrow from someone's facebook advice for the coming year, he had no other advice for people but "don't get dead." Simple no? LoL! I will say this again. Just be yourself...unless you suck.

Cheers to a healthy and prosperous new year! Jeers to the things that keep us from being better individuals. Onward to the next decade! Remember when we thought the whole world would collapse in 2000?! Gosh we were all so lame! Ahh memories... :) Happy New Year!!

So much for productivity...

I woke up this morning to Giant getting ready for work. Apparently frakking up again, he walked out with a grim look on his face and tears in my eyes. I couldn't get back to sleep so I reset my previous alarm for an hour later. After some wonderful dreams of things crawling out from under my bed, I woke up an hour and a half AFTER my alarm was supposed to wake me up. The best part of waking up? At least it was still before 11:30am.

I still need to go grocery shopping and to the mall for girly things. Need to shower, clean my room, do a load of laundry and sweet merciful heaven I really need to upload all those pics off my camera. Oh yes, and my not clearing my pics off the memory caused Giant to miss some really crucial moments at the last RU home game. Yay me! Yay for procrastination! He tripped on my laundry basket this morning causing him to bang into the corner of my desk. I came back from the bathroom asking how he was because I heard the noise. He told me I should really move my stuff out of the way. Automatic response, I didn't put the basket there. Yay for defense mechanism! Way to make him more annoyed at me... Forget about being on time for the train. Oh right, no driver's license. I'm an asshole. Hopefully he's cooled off at work but the fact he hasn't even texted hints he may not have. Either way, I'm too chickenshit to text anyhow so I guess we're comm silent for the day.

I love how he can make me really believe in myself and he can also make me feel like a complete doucher. Love is funny that way, such control. I'm not sure what those love stories are spouting about, the ones with the butterflies, sparkly kisses and happily ever afters. It could just be my mood right now, but while love could be those things it's also messy, full of mistakes and just damn I f*cked up and now feel dread.

I forgot, I was supposed to do Christmas decor already. At the very least my father has actually spent his time putting up lights outside the house. Although I have no lights in my room as of yet. And probably won't again by the pace I'm moving. Do I even have money for this shit?

Fuck.

'tis the season...

...and all that jazz. I got first dibs this year, got myself a netbook. the Samsung N130 with Windows 7 Starter. So far so good however, I'm beginning to think everyone is right about upgrading the ram to 2gb and making the whole experience more pleasant. Videos run fine enough if a bit stuttery at times but the quality on youtube doesn't look that hot, although to be fair I've played one video just to see. This thing is GREAT! I'm on my bed right now typing away and it weighs practically nothing. I don't however like that the media slot doesn't accept memory stick pros so if I were say travelling and taking pictures, I'd have to bring the usb media card reader I own. But that's pretty trivial. The keys are comfortable and have softened edges. I have small hands so the keyboard feels ok. Also pretty sure this keyboard is the same size as the one at work.

Speaking of work, going ok so far. I'm trying not to get too attached or invested at the whole thing. Sure the people are nice and some of them are funny. And man I was so glad to order from Chicken Bar again. I don't miss Patzeria since now they're overcharging. Anyhoot... been there almost 2 months. I like that there's no drama and since it's like running a tiny village everyone pitches in when things need to get done. I have yet to use my concierge powers, free meals does sounds appealing.

f*ck I just got hit with mad sleepy...