Missed Memo

sometimes I wonder what the hold up is, this is one of those times.

i'm not sure what spurned the random fb stalking [another reason why the internet is evil], but i decided i'd check up on some people. come to think of it, this probably started last week when i read dena fish was going to lamaze class. she makes 3 of my old roommates pregnant, at least the ones i can still keep track off. i don't even know how mel is doing and sometimes that bothers me. she's one of those cool even keeled chicks. she smoked like a chimney and we drove home drunk one time & the whole time she kept yelling Jesus.

frak i seriously got lost somewhere. it's not like there was an audible snap when things fall apart. it's more like the world bottoming out underneath your feet and your skin scrawls up like you're falling really fast and a cold sweat breaks out on the back of your neck because you know damn sure you can't do sh!t about it. and there's equal parts surrender and hope but really you're just hoping to stop falling before you become a complete halfwit. i probably should have seen a psychiatrist when i had the chance [and the insurance coverage!] and gotten all this out instead of it festering to this stagnant living death.

i am alive. but nothing changes. i may as well be dead.

i don't think i'm sad though. just tired.

i make lists. i don't always cross everything out. i lose the lists. i make other lists but really it's just one day blending into another. there are days i miss wearing a suit. and sometimes i still remember that giddy feeling planning out a career. i do remember wanting to be a general manager at some point. i also remember spending four years of my life taking a route to build a foundation in law enforcement. my personal space was always in order, even when i was messy. wanting things is sometimes dangerous though.

i should go to sleep. the urge to break something has passed and i should take the opportunity to nod off.

Pineapple Express

I've borrowed this movie over 3 weeks ago. Unfortunately, over 3 weeks ago was also the last time I had 2 days off in a row. I finally got to watch it. It's not as funny as PZ made it sound, but I wanted to smoke pot just to achieve that sort of non-linear conversation with someone. Although I'm certain I could attain that without mj...

So... EP disappeared. Gone the way of termination due to job abandonment. I can't say I blame the guy, FOM is more often than not a demanding job. A thankless position, fraught with demands, and blissfully ungrateful staff. Like I said before, it's all roses and daises for staff but what they never seem to put together is that flowers bloom in a giant pile of manure. And underneath said pile, you find the FOM. Accounting stuff ends up on your pile. GM crap ends up on your pile. Complaints end up on your pile. Giant said something funny [not the haha kind] about me and working myself into a frenzy. I'm irrational and really get single minded. Let tending a marijuana plant, all hover-y and checking on it every two minutes. I don't ever want to be dedicated to something that will only result in an ulcer in the long run.

The GM is looking to hire but it's looking like slow progress despite the national fact unemployment is at a high rate. There should be more people applying. Regardless, she also said we're looking for another part time front desk clerk. Meanwhile, making schedules is just annoying. Schedules are easy if you have the staff available. I'm keeping even at annoyed. And some people just ask for too much, as if they're unaware of a short handed staff. Find yourself a social director, I am not that person. Biggest pet peeve of mine in a managerial position, people forget they work for the company not the other way around. Let's not get started on how young people act these days, irregardless of color. Belief in oneself is a beautiful thing, unless one loses sight of community and accountability. And that pesky sense of entitlement, that sh!t really needs to be nipped in the bud....boom! *snicker*

GM said I was acting FOM for the time being, which really isn't that stressful for now. I feel like I'm being forced to make a decision about my life and despite that pressure, I really have been too complacent about my life about for far too long. So really, this is just another incendiary for that fire I'm supposed to be lighting under my ass. And what the hell have I been doing? Downloading Taylor Swift songs that's what! Seriously, I feel like I not only emotionally/rationally/mentally stunted myself just from cracking up, but I took it upon myself to reset to a younger age. Of course the obvious flaw in this "logic" is when I was younger, I was actually quite focused getting to my goals with very little regard to my physical well being ignoring things like sleep and sobriety. Graduated with a double major in 4 years from RU, and held down a job sometimes 2 with volunteer work during my whole tenure. And was quite active socially! The energy definitely came from that fountain of youth people keep looking for in vain.

Now I'm almost thirty, I don't drink much at all, stopped smoking altogether and I still don't get enough sleep but I eat slightly better. But while exhaustion and teeny voices of doubt didn't stop me before, I'm continually brought to my knees on a daily basis asking for a relief. I'm not sure who I'm asking but I suspect my continual shaky faith is probably my undoing. I believe enough in myself that I can get through the day with negligible urges to blow up everything around me, not literally of course. But sometimes I just don't see the point of this struggle and I think I'm losing this human "race." I don't even know what the hell is at the finish line. Death? All those platitudes about the journey being what counts is just patronizing. Crap, I'm in a sour mood. Not sure when it snuck up, my apologies.

Summary.... hmm, Pineapple Express entertaining but didn't make me laugh as much as one episode of Family Guy. Being FOM is generally a bad idea because I know I would hate myself and become a bitter workaholic. And while it's a wise move career wise, is this really the career I want?! Besides, I wouldn't be the kind of FOM people will like...not that I give 2 shits what people think but I like to have a civil if not altogether jovial kind of work environment. I know I'd demand something a lot more than what everyone else is used to. GM probably wouldn't mind but then people would quit. Let's face it, if you can't follow simple things like a schedule and punctuality you and I are not going to get along if you are under me. And lastly, I'm too complacent for my own good and I get cranky out of nowhere.

Fight 'em til you can't.