Missed Memo

sometimes I wonder what the hold up is, this is one of those times.

i'm not sure what spurned the random fb stalking [another reason why the internet is evil], but i decided i'd check up on some people. come to think of it, this probably started last week when i read dena fish was going to lamaze class. she makes 3 of my old roommates pregnant, at least the ones i can still keep track off. i don't even know how mel is doing and sometimes that bothers me. she's one of those cool even keeled chicks. she smoked like a chimney and we drove home drunk one time & the whole time she kept yelling Jesus.

frak i seriously got lost somewhere. it's not like there was an audible snap when things fall apart. it's more like the world bottoming out underneath your feet and your skin scrawls up like you're falling really fast and a cold sweat breaks out on the back of your neck because you know damn sure you can't do sh!t about it. and there's equal parts surrender and hope but really you're just hoping to stop falling before you become a complete halfwit. i probably should have seen a psychiatrist when i had the chance [and the insurance coverage!] and gotten all this out instead of it festering to this stagnant living death.

i am alive. but nothing changes. i may as well be dead.

i don't think i'm sad though. just tired.

i make lists. i don't always cross everything out. i lose the lists. i make other lists but really it's just one day blending into another. there are days i miss wearing a suit. and sometimes i still remember that giddy feeling planning out a career. i do remember wanting to be a general manager at some point. i also remember spending four years of my life taking a route to build a foundation in law enforcement. my personal space was always in order, even when i was messy. wanting things is sometimes dangerous though.

i should go to sleep. the urge to break something has passed and i should take the opportunity to nod off.