it's amazing how astounded i still am that i run into an invidual who actually has a drive in life to make other lives miserable or difficult, who takes pleasure in the discomfort of others. what's the point really? i used to work for a lawyer, back in the days when i thought i could make a difference from a legal perspective but i digress... and anyway this lawywer once in a while would throw her hands up and get completely frustrated with the state of the world. like it was just one battle after another but the war wages on with no end in site and really a person can only take so much before they're frustrated and want to sit at a bar. ponder on about life and its meaning or questioning our place in the world. one day, buried in paperwork and hours into research in the law library she decided to up and leave and head out for martinis. So we got into her subaru all the while muttering wildly about in a 100 years no one will give a shit or remember and what the fuck are we doing this for. i've had my moments like that, where the life seems so long and so short at the same time and i'm dwarfed by the enormity of it all. and i'm torn between wanting to run and never ever stop or just stand still and wait for the inevitable because it won't really matter. even history is biased by whomever wrote it. it's not really real or maybe it is but humans are biased. i always said people want to do right or what they thing is right but what defines right and who are we to judge what is. now i'm just rambling. it all seems so pointless.
my mother was a kind woman but she didn't sugar coat anything to make you feel better [there isn't any more food because we are poor] but she kept you safe [but i'll give you my share so your tummy will stop growling]. she'd call you fat if you did gain considerable weight but she'd also say things will always work out because she believed you'd make the right choices for yourself. and she didn't meddle even if maybe sometimes you thought she should because you really didn't have a bleeding clue what you should do next and maybe a different perspective or lifetime might shed some light on a solution, conclusion. if people wronged her, she accepted the humanity of it all and acknowledged that there would be a part of her that would cut the person in the face for whatever trespass. but i've seen it happen plenty of times, children implicitly trusted her even if they didn't know her because maybe they knew she would keep them safe.
oh i don't know. i think i'm just beyond exhausted. i have never been so disrespected in my life. there was knowledge and gut instinct that something very very wicked was coming but ever since the fight went out of me, i did nothing to avoid it. it was a choice i suppose. i could've stepped to the side and just avoided this whole exercise in testing my will and strength to keep my dignity intact. but really by the grace of God is the reason i'm not fully insane. even if sometimes we have a shaky relationship. to the job, as always but i do have to leave.
may God have mercy.
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