It has been an X amount of years since I've sat down and actually watched a portion of the Olympics. The women's downhill was quite impressive, Vonn from USA won. The men's halfpipe very entertaining, White from USA won. The hockey game between USA vs Norway finished, another USA win 6-1. Strange that the only 3 events I've watched were all USA gold wins.
I haven't done a whole lot today. I woke up late for Tay's doc appointment, he had a CAT scan scheduled for today. Everyone else had work. I vegged on the computer, entertained the notion of watching Caprica on OnDemand but that fizzled out in lieu of playing on the computer. When Tay returned, we went to pick up Dawn from work where I unexpectedly blew $50 since Dawn's card wouldn't go through. Then hit BK at Woodbridge, caught the hockey game and now here we are... Watching Law & Order (the mothership).
God, Kuya needs to go on a diet. He's so bleedin fat.
Feb 18, 2010
Feb 17, 2010
Pawn, the replay
The title makes me laugh.
Let me start off that twice now in my life, I had been unemployed for an extended period of time causing me to question my worth as a human being. Not that I'm defining my worth with a job per se but there is much to be said about the devil and idle hands. I am quite grateful to have a job, to have people to talk to aside from loved ones and the little voices of destructive doubt in my mind. I am glad I can contribute to family expenses and that I don't have to ask anyone for money just to grocery shop. That is an atrocious feeling but I think I did a decent job of still being able to give something, if not my charitable organizations, with my meager unemployment pay. Also grateful that it had been ingrained me from the last time of not having a source of income to save money so I had a livable amount of funds in the bank. It was still pretty tense and I still didn't get enough sleep.
A couple of weeks ago, I was handed the dubious "honor" of making the front office schedule as well as responsibility for making sure everyone is properly in uniform. The so called evening shift supervisor, who also did inventory, now had additional responsibilities. I'm no stranger to those, especially in a hotel environment but I started to get a niggling feeling of being used. I'm dense, seriously it's a handicap, but the big honking fact that they hired me for a, um lower?, position should have been a dead giveaway that they were going to get rid of the smarmy young turd currently "running" the evenings. Regardless, that's all done with. The GM, the clawed demoness that rules the roost, had called me into her office to talk about my position and how I should view it, expect from it and what she expect from me. While the whole meeting was decidedly necessary albeit late, it was an enlightenment of sorts. First, there are micromanagers and then there is our GM. Given, demoness is way harsh but there's a tinge of gold around her eyes and if you're a giant dork you'd get what I mean. She can't be more than 35ish so it's an impressive feat to be a GM. However, throw a momentary pause in that and anyone with half a brain will figure she's ruthless. Learned at a later date that she was the AGM and successfully got the GM then fired, stepping into his place. Second, my pet peeve of being called a person with potential was uttered quite casually during our meeting. I hate hate hate that. Potential is such a patronizing way of describing an employee. Either you can do it or you can't, and no I'm not negating growth potential or the inevitability of learning something new every day. I feel like it's a manipulation and control, giving someone beneath you a crumb, a carrot to do better so you can get a pat on the head. And fuck me if I'm too old for that shit. Third, I am not going to be happy at this job. Even if they raised my pay, gave me less to do, and let me work less hours; despite the people there I still wouldn't be happy. Bottom line is, my heart's not into it.
It's true what they say, if you have a job you love you never work a day in your life. And since the odds of me winning the BIG lotto are slim to never gonna happen, I know enough to really make some changes. I mean, if you hate something why hang around? Joaquin said something interesting, it was about never taking risks that would be beneficial. He's wiser than me.
So.....I ordered from the Great Courses. I ordered the package deal, constructing sentences and argumentative thinking. We will see.
Let me start off that twice now in my life, I had been unemployed for an extended period of time causing me to question my worth as a human being. Not that I'm defining my worth with a job per se but there is much to be said about the devil and idle hands. I am quite grateful to have a job, to have people to talk to aside from loved ones and the little voices of destructive doubt in my mind. I am glad I can contribute to family expenses and that I don't have to ask anyone for money just to grocery shop. That is an atrocious feeling but I think I did a decent job of still being able to give something, if not my charitable organizations, with my meager unemployment pay. Also grateful that it had been ingrained me from the last time of not having a source of income to save money so I had a livable amount of funds in the bank. It was still pretty tense and I still didn't get enough sleep.
A couple of weeks ago, I was handed the dubious "honor" of making the front office schedule as well as responsibility for making sure everyone is properly in uniform. The so called evening shift supervisor, who also did inventory, now had additional responsibilities. I'm no stranger to those, especially in a hotel environment but I started to get a niggling feeling of being used. I'm dense, seriously it's a handicap, but the big honking fact that they hired me for a, um lower?, position should have been a dead giveaway that they were going to get rid of the smarmy young turd currently "running" the evenings. Regardless, that's all done with. The GM, the clawed demoness that rules the roost, had called me into her office to talk about my position and how I should view it, expect from it and what she expect from me. While the whole meeting was decidedly necessary albeit late, it was an enlightenment of sorts. First, there are micromanagers and then there is our GM. Given, demoness is way harsh but there's a tinge of gold around her eyes and if you're a giant dork you'd get what I mean. She can't be more than 35ish so it's an impressive feat to be a GM. However, throw a momentary pause in that and anyone with half a brain will figure she's ruthless. Learned at a later date that she was the AGM and successfully got the GM then fired, stepping into his place. Second, my pet peeve of being called a person with potential was uttered quite casually during our meeting. I hate hate hate that. Potential is such a patronizing way of describing an employee. Either you can do it or you can't, and no I'm not negating growth potential or the inevitability of learning something new every day. I feel like it's a manipulation and control, giving someone beneath you a crumb, a carrot to do better so you can get a pat on the head. And fuck me if I'm too old for that shit. Third, I am not going to be happy at this job. Even if they raised my pay, gave me less to do, and let me work less hours; despite the people there I still wouldn't be happy. Bottom line is, my heart's not into it.
It's true what they say, if you have a job you love you never work a day in your life. And since the odds of me winning the BIG lotto are slim to never gonna happen, I know enough to really make some changes. I mean, if you hate something why hang around? Joaquin said something interesting, it was about never taking risks that would be beneficial. He's wiser than me.
So.....I ordered from the Great Courses. I ordered the package deal, constructing sentences and argumentative thinking. We will see.
Feb 4, 2010
Nighttime
I seriously should try to sleep but here we are again. Having a computer is truly evil.
I was trying to figure out why I read all those fanfics at night. I mean, I just plow through at least 2 of the a night before bedtime. Reading is supposed to make you relaxed but all I want to do is keep reading. Maybe if I went back to BSG fic and not all the Buffyfic I'd be able to sleep. Or hey, good old XF fic! There are some crazy talented writers out there.
Nighttime is tricky because if I don't read, I think. And thinking leads to all sorts of roads and messes and it's nothing but regrets and missed opportunities that keep a person up at night. Really, it's true. I'm trying to get my head straight again, living so long in a fog of complacent discontent. Or learned helplessness. Sometimes I surprise myself, little white lies that I tell myself to get through the day isn't so frequent anymore. And sometimes my mouth says things that makes sense before my brain has even processed the last 5 secs which leads me to believe I was once a level headed person who did the right things. And before I kept the light on at night because I was afraid of monsters or maybe I was afraid the dark things in my head would take corporeal stand and kill me where I lay trying to sleep. But nighttime is so oppressive in it's silence, ferreting out any secrets you don't want to dissect. The silence is like a presence in the room, the ticking of the clock the only grounding for reality. So many thoughts. I'm trying. I'm less annoyed at things. I try to get things done. I aim for not elevating my heartbeat. Serious. Serious. Trying to crawl out of my own skin, or from behind that wall, behind piles of crap and excuses and bad habits. Trying trying trying. I'm not doing enough.
There's always silence though. I read. I distract myself.
There's something there, wanting things, nicer things, a break from the fucked up norm.
I'm not sure how to answer all those. It's awkward.
It's painful.
I was trying to figure out why I read all those fanfics at night. I mean, I just plow through at least 2 of the a night before bedtime. Reading is supposed to make you relaxed but all I want to do is keep reading. Maybe if I went back to BSG fic and not all the Buffyfic I'd be able to sleep. Or hey, good old XF fic! There are some crazy talented writers out there.
Nighttime is tricky because if I don't read, I think. And thinking leads to all sorts of roads and messes and it's nothing but regrets and missed opportunities that keep a person up at night. Really, it's true. I'm trying to get my head straight again, living so long in a fog of complacent discontent. Or learned helplessness. Sometimes I surprise myself, little white lies that I tell myself to get through the day isn't so frequent anymore. And sometimes my mouth says things that makes sense before my brain has even processed the last 5 secs which leads me to believe I was once a level headed person who did the right things. And before I kept the light on at night because I was afraid of monsters or maybe I was afraid the dark things in my head would take corporeal stand and kill me where I lay trying to sleep. But nighttime is so oppressive in it's silence, ferreting out any secrets you don't want to dissect. The silence is like a presence in the room, the ticking of the clock the only grounding for reality. So many thoughts. I'm trying. I'm less annoyed at things. I try to get things done. I aim for not elevating my heartbeat. Serious. Serious. Trying to crawl out of my own skin, or from behind that wall, behind piles of crap and excuses and bad habits. Trying trying trying. I'm not doing enough.
There's always silence though. I read. I distract myself.
There's something there, wanting things, nicer things, a break from the fucked up norm.
I'm not sure how to answer all those. It's awkward.
It's painful.
Feb 2, 2010
Road Block or Bump?
Seriously not a whole lot of shanshu-ing going on. I'm frustrated but at least I have insurance again. I was concerned that the forms were given to us the day before the due date & were still woefully sitting on the GM's inbox in the back office after she went home. But being the kind of worker I am, I checked my email & she had sent confirmation about getting our insurance cards in 14 days. Crazy, like how I was going to be if I didn't get insurance.
So one more grown up thing done. The next is taxes. I haven't even deposited last year's refund check so this should be interesting. I'm trying to save money although admittedly, these past 2 weeks I've been ordering food like I was making $25/hour like in the old days. I'll give the cancermount that, they paid bloody well.
I need to do more research and stop all this pussyfootin'. I did clean my closet somewhat & now if I can just take that pile of stuff stacked outside my door & move it to the dumpster I'm set for now. We're all a little bit of a hoarder on the inside, aren't we?
So one more grown up thing done. The next is taxes. I haven't even deposited last year's refund check so this should be interesting. I'm trying to save money although admittedly, these past 2 weeks I've been ordering food like I was making $25/hour like in the old days. I'll give the cancermount that, they paid bloody well.
I need to do more research and stop all this pussyfootin'. I did clean my closet somewhat & now if I can just take that pile of stuff stacked outside my door & move it to the dumpster I'm set for now. We're all a little bit of a hoarder on the inside, aren't we?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)