Pawn, the replay

The title makes me laugh.

Let me start off that twice now in my life, I had been unemployed for an extended period of time causing me to question my worth as a human being. Not that I'm defining my worth with a job per se but there is much to be said about the devil and idle hands. I am quite grateful to have a job, to have people to talk to aside from loved ones and the little voices of destructive doubt in my mind. I am glad I can contribute to family expenses and that I don't have to ask anyone for money just to grocery shop. That is an atrocious feeling but I think I did a decent job of still being able to give something, if not my charitable organizations, with my meager unemployment pay. Also grateful that it had been ingrained me from the last time of not having a source of income to save money so I had a livable amount of funds in the bank. It was still pretty tense and I still didn't get enough sleep.

A couple of weeks ago, I was handed the dubious "honor" of making the front office schedule as well as responsibility for making sure everyone is properly in uniform. The so called evening shift supervisor, who also did inventory, now had additional responsibilities. I'm no stranger to those, especially in a hotel environment but I started to get a niggling feeling of being used. I'm dense, seriously it's a handicap, but the big honking fact that they hired me for a, um lower?, position should have been a dead giveaway that they were going to get rid of the smarmy young turd currently "running" the evenings. Regardless, that's all done with. The GM, the clawed demoness that rules the roost, had called me into her office to talk about my position and how I should view it, expect from it and what she expect from me. While the whole meeting was decidedly necessary albeit late, it was an enlightenment of sorts. First, there are micromanagers and then there is our GM. Given, demoness is way harsh but there's a tinge of gold around her eyes and if you're a giant dork you'd get what I mean. She can't be more than 35ish so it's an impressive feat to be a GM. However, throw a momentary pause in that and anyone with half a brain will figure she's ruthless. Learned at a later date that she was the AGM and successfully got the GM then fired, stepping into his place. Second, my pet peeve of being called a person with potential was uttered quite casually during our meeting. I hate hate hate that. Potential is such a patronizing way of describing an employee. Either you can do it or you can't, and no I'm not negating growth potential or the inevitability of learning something new every day. I feel like it's a manipulation and control, giving someone beneath you a crumb, a carrot to do better so you can get a pat on the head. And fuck me if I'm too old for that shit. Third, I am not going to be happy at this job. Even if they raised my pay, gave me less to do, and let me work less hours; despite the people there I still wouldn't be happy. Bottom line is, my heart's not into it.

It's true what they say, if you have a job you love you never work a day in your life. And since the odds of me winning the BIG lotto are slim to never gonna happen, I know enough to really make some changes. I mean, if you hate something why hang around? Joaquin said something interesting, it was about never taking risks that would be beneficial. He's wiser than me.

So.....I ordered from the Great Courses. I ordered the package deal, constructing sentences and argumentative thinking. We will see.