Nighttime

I seriously should try to sleep but here we are again. Having a computer is truly evil.

I was trying to figure out why I read all those fanfics at night. I mean, I just plow through at least 2 of the a night before bedtime. Reading is supposed to make you relaxed but all I want to do is keep reading. Maybe if I went back to BSG fic and not all the Buffyfic I'd be able to sleep. Or hey, good old XF fic! There are some crazy talented writers out there.

Nighttime is tricky because if I don't read, I think. And thinking leads to all sorts of roads and messes and it's nothing but regrets and missed opportunities that keep a person up at night. Really, it's true. I'm trying to get my head straight again, living so long in a fog of complacent discontent. Or learned helplessness. Sometimes I surprise myself, little white lies that I tell myself to get through the day isn't so frequent anymore. And sometimes my mouth says things that makes sense before my brain has even processed the last 5 secs which leads me to believe I was once a level headed person who did the right things. And before I kept the light on at night because I was afraid of monsters or maybe I was afraid the dark things in my head would take corporeal stand and kill me where I lay trying to sleep. But nighttime is so oppressive in it's silence, ferreting out any secrets you don't want to dissect. The silence is like a presence in the room, the ticking of the clock the only grounding for reality. So many thoughts. I'm trying. I'm less annoyed at things. I try to get things done. I aim for not elevating my heartbeat. Serious. Serious. Trying to crawl out of my own skin, or from behind that wall, behind piles of crap and excuses and bad habits. Trying trying trying. I'm not doing enough.

There's always silence though. I read. I distract myself.

There's something there, wanting things, nicer things, a break from the fucked up norm.

I'm not sure how to answer all those. It's awkward.

It's painful.