It's September already and here I am still woefully unemployed. Honestly, I'm going to give it another month before I either throw myself in the river or go with the less glamorous plan B. B consisting of just getting a retail job [Naz says Macy's so she can partake in the discount] and go back to school. Back to school for what, I'm not sure. Should I take online courses for investigation? Giant says I could get a job in security in the city however, he gripes about the office politics and it just seems so atrocious that I'd only survive if I were some sort of hardcore rule follower or dry snitch. I did entertain the notion of being a rat, for a good minute.
Some part of me would be ecstatic to not be bound to a solid work schedule, requests for days off more or less given irregardless of seniority or holiday season. Man... that hotel beat the crap out of me and maybe I just pushed myself to give more than I had but I just couldn't do any less than I did. The one difference about being unemployed this time is I'm not nursing a broken heart. So that's a score...however everything else sucks as I remembered it. The lack of activities is what really kills. And it's not the betrayed feeling that keeps me up at night, it's all those missed opportunities. Like quitting on my own terms. Or going to that other hotel that I interviewed at. Or, God I'm so sorry about this, following my course of study and doing something in law enforcement. Instead I'm great at hotel wheeling and dealing and handling the staff. I will pat myself in the back for my earned promotion and still question why having a work ethic and being truthful makes a person unpopular with someone up high. Just boggles my mind.
*sigh*
So... what should I go to school for? My father did magazine layouts and was a photographer, a lifetime ago. My mother was a hairdresser, seamstress, and all around good mother/homemaker. And what seems like a different layer of me that I shed, I used to write really well. How did I become so...boring? I'm not even sure that's the right word. I've lost pride or is it confidence in alot of things I was once capable of. How do I get that ish back?
I picked up the flat belly diet book. I'm supposed to grocery shop for it tomorrow, already I'm not looking forward to it since we're not allowed coffee. And I picked up a glossy but informative mag/book about digital photography. It's a $400 camera, I shouldn't just sit on my shelf. Just have to keep choppin', keep pushing, and even if I feel anxiety creep in just frakkin accept it and keep moving.
Just be yourself...unless you suck.
It is ironically often more comforting to doubt ourselves than to question the fundamental logic of the world we live in. Prozac and positive thinking have their place, but it is probably more helpful to understand that perfection is not achievable and happiness is elusive for everybody, even the ones who hide it well.
ReplyDelete