Friday 30th

I'm almost done with the planner hacking. I just have to draw the boxes around the day & date. I'll definitely have a section with phone #s of family & certain friends. Plus probably service #s like my bank helpline etc etc. I should probably put down my long term goals there, so I remember them. Hopefully I remember to look at the list too.

I didn't watch BSG tonight because Dawn was at work. But she would've watched it without me so I'm not sure why I waited... Tomorrow is the last day of January & I still haven't gotten a haircut. Not much done today, CSI:NY'd my head off again. I emailed Todd the bartender & asked if he was still trying to be one of NY's finest but alas, he replied and said he decided against it. Which may be just as well since Bloomberg announced NYC's "doomsday" plan basically cutting $1 billion in city funds with a loss of 23K jobs and increased taxes. All done to save the small business and homeowners. Meanwhile, the MTA are still in debate whether to raise the fare or not to "improve" service.

At least Joaquin is here this weekend. We must prepare for Superbowl Sunday! hahaha Go Cards!

Planner Hacking

The planner hacking continues. [see plannerhack.com] I'm up to August now. Quick debrief of today.
Finished folding my laundry that was done yesterday. Showered. Watched 4 episodes of CSI:NY before that. When Kuya Uge and Dawn got home, we headed out to Wegman's for dinner and some grocery shopping. Wegman's was blowing up mylar balloons for the superbowl. Football shaped balloons, some with the Cardinals on them. Then back home, watched NCIS, and called Joaquin at 8pm. After that, watched the end of the Devils vs. Bruins game [Devils won] and went back to my room to watch Burn Notice.
Now, doing Rock Legends battles onto level 44. There's not much to do after level 50 except winning fame points. Am reading about being NYPD Detective, federal agent, and yet another online education/degree source. Everest University Online. Going to draw some more lines in my planner.
I need to MOVE. I forget what days are passing.

Planner

I finally managed to buy a moleskin pocket sized lined notebook, in red no less, from B&N. Kuya Uge dropped me off there while he swung by the other side to pick up Dawn from work. I've started to draw the lines in, using a Pentel RSVP red ink pen. For the weekend entries, I've divided the 7 lines for one day into 4/3 Sat & Sun respectively. I think I will also put down a section dividing the months & the guaranteed bills I'll be paying. Rent, cellular, etc. The rest of the notebook I'll figure out what to put in sometime this week. I was thinking an address book part, long term goals to remind myself. Quotable quotes... Anyway, I'm glad I finally got it started. Now to fill it up with useful information.

Yesterday was Pepe's parent appreciation day. Thank goodness Erika made it right on time, with Steph's class just getting on the stage. Poor baby, she was looking out in the crowd to see if anyone came to see her. Actually she's no longer a baby... Also yesterday, Dawn bought an orange Guess? handbag from Macy's! Girly girl move, she used it to go to work today too. I'm glad she enjoys the bag.

Aside from laundry and the planner, I haven't been all that productive today. We went to BK sans Tim for dinner, I paid. There's no food in the house again. It's my turn to get groceries so I'll have to figure it out for tomorrow. I need to get the job hunting machine going again. Tay's out on disability, he's considering retiring.

No Will Power

I did managed to wake up early today, even though I didn't physically get up til 11am and I wasn't actually asleep until past 4am. I have not done anything I vowed to do, no will power.

We went to the Woodbridge Mall today; Dawn's day off she wanted to go to the mall. Go fig. She treated us to BK [it's Monday after all] and then she couldn't get the emotional balls up to get a haircut. We ended up perusing through Macy's. A bad idea all around because I have a gift card burning a hole in my wallet. After spotting the Lucky Brand Abbey Road bag msrp $178 in Bourbon Brown [I had searched everywhere on the internet for a lower price for that color, zip] I inspected it to see it's usability. I saw it on Burn Notice first, on Fiona. Anyway, I didn't end up buying it since I found a scratch on the one bourbon bag they had left. But, the leather was incredibly soft and I love the look of the bag. I will still try to find it for a lower price but it's basically a summer bag. It won't hold too much but it'll hold all you need. In the meanwhile, I blew $96 on a Guess Arm Candy shiny patent teal bag. I had been eyeing it for about a week, looking all over the internet for it and much to my dismay couldn't find it anywhere else but for the one time I had seen it at Macy's almost 2 weeks ago. So I told myself if I see it again, I'll snatch it up. Which I did, no will power.

In other news:
I have rediscovered the Aquabats and ska music in general. And omg, They Might Be Giants. lol They tend to be upbeat and silly; I think it's the trumpets.
I have a color photocopy Steph drawing on my magnetic board. It's of a yellow horse under blue skies and green grass. The kid discovered the copy machine and wanted to play with it.
Jessie joined facebook today. I thought I'd never see the day.
Rock Legends, level 41 drummer.
Still haven't bought a planner.

Tomorrow, Parent Appreciation Day at Pepe's school 1pm. We will be the parental stand-ins. It does indeed-y take a village folks.

Slept in Sunday

Last night, after anxiously waiting for Joaquin to call me back all the while thinking I'd have to put my shoes on to go to NYC and identify his dead body and vowing to myself I will neither puke nor cry if it happens and promising his cold lifeless body that I will make something of myself but not having my own blood children because I couldn't bear to have one without him making up the other half then to my staggering relief just turned out his cell battery died & he ended up working wa-aay later than he thought, I couldn't sleep. In fact, I think I busied myself with blogging [last entry] to get my mind off of it and hanging out with the kid briefly when she arrived. Needless to say, I didn't get up this morning until almost noon. Albeit, interrupted 2x by the squirt looking for paper to draw on. She's so funny, she was whispering; I have no idea what time that was but my eyes sure protested that it was much to early for them to be open again. Breakfast was had around 1pm, miraculously after I took a shower. I feel squicky.

We went to Rosehill like usual on Sunday, Dawn came this time not having work and all. Tim napped on the couch even though she volunteered to go earlier. She doesn't like to go to the cemetery, citing she didn't need to be reminded her mother was dead. I suppose she doesn't want to pay homage to something that is only a representation of our once very lively mother and I get that. But sometimes I wish she'd just suck it the hell up and go for the old man. If he starts to get offended by it, then I'll say something to her. *sigh* The old man pointed out that Ma's tay passed at 70 years old and he reckoned he's got about 5 years. I told him I give him until 78. He's got to see Stephanie all grown up and my kids well past the gibbering/drooling stage. He's not allowed to go until then plus 10 more years. We stopped for Dunkin' Donuts of course, munched on them before going in. I keep telling Tay we shouldn't eat in there but once in awhile he sneaks it in. Hell even I'm guilty of it on occasion so I'm not gonna knock him for wanting a beer while he gazes at my mother's bronze resting place.

Ugh. Sunday should remain the day of rest and family. Random thoughts: Spanish or Italian? Still need a planner. Still need to exercise. Need to feed my brain. Need a job. Hawaii without Dawn is just wrong.

Clean Face...etc.

Again, not much in terms of productivity. I did wake up before 9am, miraculously due to my computer whirring loudly preparing to go to sleep; something it hasn't done in about 2 months on its own despite settings I have placed. There is something wrong with Junior but I don't want to give up on him yet. I did put in 2GB of RAM the other month, hoping to alleviate his issues but I'm afraid nothing short of freeing up at least 10GB of space will help him. I've managed to clear out alot of photos and the sort and I'm up 8GB of free space. I just need to figure out what else to un-install.

Tim and I dropped off Dawn at work today, spending some time shopping for items. Tp of course, and I bought Biore face stuff. I need to clear up this face. I'm working on improving myself or better yet taking better care of myself. A couple of things I've done already: stopped smoking day 26 at this juncture; taking vitamins also good. Sleep and water drinking continue to elude me unless exhausted or desert level parched. I did also manage to read a chapter on teach yourself spanish while listening to Shakira. I should know this language by now by the sheer amount of my rude exposure to it. People just don't understand it's RUDE to speak in another language in the presence of others who don't speak it. Arrogant much? At any rate, because the US is full of it speaking Spanish is actually an advantage. Watch Joss Whedon be right and Mandarin Chinese will be the language of the future.

So...the FBI? 37 years old is the oldest they take as a probie/green/nugget whatev. Citizen, not crazy, good eyesight, physically fit. Most people I know aren't whacked enough to work towards a goal that may get you killed. I suppose I'm not most people and I am certain this isn't my ego talking but I firmly believe a difference can be made and I do like helping people. Customer service just may not be my bag.

In the meantime... CSI, Law & Order, Burn Notice, Jason Bourne, James Bond, NCIS are all very entertaining.

Galactica

Last Friday began the airings of BSG's final episodes. We missed it because we were down in Virginia. There isn't going to be a happy ending, it's the end of humanity. No new planets, no peace and goodwill towards all mankind. No fat happy pilot babies. Hell we can't even get fat happy deck crew babies. Hera's importance couldn't have been taken away just like that after all. And man! I had thought it but to really have Dee blow her brains out... son of a... Moore and Eick are gonna kill everyone off. Never mind that we still don't know what the hell Kara is. And Ellen Tigh as the 5th?! And just eww on Adama and Roslin but I guess they did earn it.

Again, haven't done much today again. Joaquin isn't coming this weekend. It bothers me that no one's noticed that it's Friday and he's not here. It's probably best to just let it go, explain it away as ignorance or just plain forgetfulness and maybe because of recent experiences I'm alot of bitter and suspicious of many things. But wtf?! Not a single person has noticed Joaquin's not here on a Friday night?! I don't get my own family and maybe I should move out. Too f'in bad I'm unemployed. I miss him.

I just got to keep going. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go.

Knicks vs. Suns

During dinner at Famous Dave's on Rt. 1 Tuesday night for Dawn's birthday dinner [take 2], Tim made the suggestion of going to a Knicks game to see her beloved Nash. Haha... anyway, so we went last night. I didn't blog for yesterday because we got home past midnight, missing the 10:15pm NJTransit train back by a mere 10 minutes to the end of the game. MSG is a good venue, there are no apparent bad seats there. We paid $24.50 each for our tickets and aside from the slight urine smell it was pretty good. Sec 419, row A, seats 3-8 for future reference. We purchased the tickets through StubHub and had to pick them up since we used his account. We all paid him back in cash in the end. The Knicks won, which I didn't really care for but I'm glad Joaquin had alot of fun. It was his first ever Knicks game. Although I was wearing my orange NewBalance shoes and blue socks, I was sort of rooting for the Suns. Nash is still gross for licking his hand throughout the whole game. We got 5 footlong hot dogs, 3 large sodas, 1 potato knish, 1 Dove ice cream bar, and nachos. We were still hungry after the game. We hung out at the train station for the 11:18pm train. I was the only one with a camera because unfortunately, Tim bought her camera but forgot to install the battery back. She had been charging it before we left.

As for Dawn's bday dinner, Famous Dave's was the same as the last 2 times we all went there together. Empty and quiet. Kuya Uge said the hostesses could do their homework it was so dead. We did invite Kuya Ugo and all but they declined as usual. American platter ordered, good for 4. The 5 of us barely finished it.

Some things that occurred to me today:
- I have a long road ahead of me towards improving myself. And then I remembered that quote from somewhere about if you don't know where you're going then it don't matter what road you take.
- My biggest enemy is motivation. I could just get over it and get things done and yet I will sit here for obscenely long times doing nothing.
- The Special K diet is not possible or rather pretty difficult unless you live by yourself. People either eat your cereal or since there is regular food for everyone else, you'll end up eating normally anyway. I would have to lock myself up during dinner time or something. Also, if you're to replace 2 meals with cereal and one regular meal, what stands in the way of eating that one regular meal throughout the day. Divvy it up in portions and eat it as snacks because eating cereal is boring. I don't care if there are blueberry or strawberry versions, cereal is boring.
- The First family is a black family. Staggering history is being made as we all sleep unawares.
- I'm going to make my own planner. Maybe the tactile involvement and layout execution will motivate me somewhat. Plus it'll be pocket sized.
- I like that show Burn Notice. I like that belt bag that Fiona wears too.

Inauguration

http://brokenformation.blogspot.com/2009/01/inauguration-day-2009.html
that's where the main blog is for today.

aside from watching the inauguration, haven't done much today. literally sat here and tended to my Rock Legends status all through the inauguration. it seriously is like a tamogotchi... anyway, when Tim got home we headed out to Famous Dave's because we didn't do that yesterday for Dawn's bday. that's where she originally wanted to go but with all the Wii playing and snow falling, we did the traditional spaghetti instead. we did invite Kuya Ugo et all for FD's but they couldn't go. having a kid sort of sucks because you simply can't just go out and hang. I suppose I'll understand when I'm older, me and my unbaptized children. pfft, as if. anyhoot, good at FD's... stomach a bit crampy afterwards though. like the last 2 times we went there. good thing I didn't eat more of that sundae.

I failed to mention that when we went to church with Teeter Guy et familia, I was struck by how there was politics during the mass. the priest went on about FOCA and pro-life. they had even handed out cards to fill out to encourage their senators and reps to vote against abortion of any sort. and parishioners did fill them out & they were indeed collected at the end of mass for the church to send out. I suppose being that close to the nation's capital you'd have to know of politics. on our way back to Jersey, we passed by DC of course and I saw FBI HQ and that old dream of mine flowed through in awe of the visual stimulation.

if I could turn back time, I'd go back to 17 yrs old and do things right so that I'd be a federal agent now hopefully affecting positive change in the world. but that probably have never met Joaquin & I know I need him so...? that means I have to make some changes.

quo vadis? where are you going?

Past Weekend & Dawn's bday

I'm back! I spent a weekend with VA family in Annandale, the godfather and his little clan. They just bought a new house, moved in this past December so we visited. We had originally planned to go to New Orleans [with Justin], but upon planning got more complicated so frak it all. Tim drove us down where we hung out with the whole clan instead. That was better anyhow. We were fed and had free quarters for the weekend. We parked the rental at their old house as they didn't have a visitor pass & the rental would've gotten towed. Teeter Guy rented Traitor & Tropic Thunder for us. Watched Traitor the first night, after inhaling some chinese take out. Don Cheadle was great in Traitor btw. Justin stayed up talking with us til 3am. I forget he's almost 19, baby Justin! He's got such funny stories. 2nd day, we began early with a bball game of the 14 yr old variety. Janne was playing, his team one. Good d by the good kid. Then lunchtime followed by a tour of George Mason U where Justin goes to school. We all took back a sweatshirt, even bought Justin one. He said the only ones he had were the free kind. The kid works at the gym & lives in a considerably large room with 4 other boys. No privacy there. My cousins are so cute and they're such good kids. It's crazy! Then after mass at St. James, they took us to Koi Koi for Dawn's bday celebration. We ordered 12 rolls of sushi. TWELVE. It looked like alot but trust that it was all gone in 15 minutes. By far, the baked white fish roll was excellent. First ever warm sushi I had. Plus all the lemonade you could drink. Back to there house after a brief grocery trip and then it was Tropic Thunder while we digested our sushi. Constipation city here we come... Early next day, we all got up and had bfast together. Justin told me before going to bed the night before to wake him up to have bfast with us before leaving. The rental had to be back before 3pm on Sunday. After that & watching the end of Bubbleboy, we headed out. Made it to Budget lot exactly at 3pm. Got picked up by Kuya Uge at Terminal C via airtrain. We had perfect timing, right during the Cardinals vs. Eagles game. Cards won. =) Lesson learned, in the NY/NJ area you cannot rent cars with debit cards. They must be credit cards upon check in.

Dawn's 22nd today. She basically play Force Unleased for Wii all day which resulted in a headache so our earlier plans to go to Famous Dave's per her wish were squashed. So Tim and I went to Wegman's and got supplies. I totally forgot about making spaghetti for birthdays! We got the spaghetti, salad, and ice cream cake. She wanted it even though it's cold as hell outside. Ate during house and watched the Celtics kick Suns' ass and the Devils kick Nashville's. All in all, a quiet day. I had a lovely morning with Joaquin too and watched Bring It On: All or Nothing and Beauty Shop.

Happy Happy 22nd Birthday Dawn!
Goodbye President Bush!
May Dr. MLK's peaceful ideals continue to live on in the spirit of humanity.

Crack Planning

the 14th passed and I didn't even notice.

Anyway, we had planned on going to New Orleans this weekend for Dawn's bday. I use the word "planned" quite loosely here because due to last minute circumstances, we're no longer going. And I was SO looking forward to the vampire/cemeteries/haunted houses tours. Long story short, Tay is sick so his flight benefits can't be used or he gets a reprimand. Which leads Tim to have to list under Kuya Uge which jacks the price up to 2x as much. We were already going to split Dawn's fare since she's not listed under anyone but we can't afford to pay for 2 buddy passes. Especially with car rental, hotel for 2 nights, tours, and grub. Damn... I was looking forward to doing something, and I could've seen where Amy used to live on Bourbon St. LoL, plus I wanted a beignet from Cafe du Monde. That leaves us with 2 weeks to use Tay's raffle tickets...

Kuya Ugo et familia gave a Macy's gift card so now, of course, I'm OBSESSING over a bag. I've been real heated since Tim got that Guess? shoulder bag. It's cute, it's roomy, I like the material, and it's teal. I've got a zillion bags already & I've long given up curing myself of this bag fetish so whatever... I want to get a Guess? bag as well which would coincidentally match my Guess? wallet. It's a beast, 14 cc slots, bill slot, change zip in the bag, and a checkbook w/ pen loop. It's a logo print tan/brown trim wallet that I got from Tita Zeny & Uncle John on Christmas 2007. I just never used it & I figured with the new year I should change wallets. I was using the Ferragamo for a while; the one my mother gave to me after Tricia gave it to her. Everything is cheaper offshore. My mother was never one for brands [unless it was perfumes, like her YSL]. The thing with carrying bigger wallets, you put more crap in it. And a bigger bag? Forget it! My poor back... but I'd rather get something that'll last than perfume. And I don't like much else but purses. Unless! I get a pair of Blowfish flats... Anyhoot, I was eyeing a patent leather teal number from Guess? with the "arm candy" line. It's $90 but with the card, it'll be $40 plus tax. Would it be wrong to get a shiny teal bag with my unemployment?! Ugh, and can I use said bag during spring?!?

It's freaking cold, 8 degrees tonight. Better dig out the electric blanket & cover up my windows tomorrow.

Wedding & Monday

Oops didn't blog for 2 days due to my inability to tear myself away from Rock Legends. FYI, level 27 drummer with 305 skill & about $59K in the bank. I still keep losing to Aaron though which is annoying the crap out of me. And I'm losing a ton of battles; I will have to gear up & find new musicians.

Sunday, Joaquin and I went to his friend's [Rodney] wedding. I felt kind of bad that we didn't stay for the reception but it was already 6pm and we'd been there quite awhile already. A slated 2:30pm wedding didn't start until well after 4pm. I felt bad that his other coworker friends didn't show for the wedding. And then of course, the ever present headache just wasn't helping matters any. The wedding was in Brooklyn, taking the 3 train to Sutter/Rutland stop. Joaquin said it was in Brownsville but not the really dodgy part, but still crime ridden. Let me tell you though, good Chinese take out in that area. Right by the stop was a little run down place but it was cheap & it was good. We went back to Joaquin's apartment afterwards and watched Elf. Got home around 10pm.

Monday, call me a tree stump. I seriously didn't do anything. I was all settled to sit on my ass the rest of the day but Tay suggested we go somewhere before we pick up Dawn from work. So we hung out at B&N until we had to get her. I was trying to find a Tagalog book for Dawn for her upcoming bday however I couldn't find just the book. Although thinking about it, I doubt the Teach Yourself series books would only sell the book in our language. Pronunciation is sort of key. After getting Dawn @ around 4pm, we headed to the McD's on Rt 35 for an early dinner. I forgot that Tim would be wanting dinner later. Headed home & watched "7 Pounds," the new Will Smith movie. I cried like a bitch, stupid movie. LoL

On other news, we're trying to figure out what to do for Dawn's bday. She wanted to go somewhere warm however since it's cold in the NE, that's pretty much out of the question. We couldn't do Hawaii, even with a layover in LA. Just too many people traveling. Las Vegas no one was interested in. FL will also be booked. New Orleans booked. Kuya Uge suggested Maine, for a day trip and lobsters, however no whale watching tours so pass. Joaquin suggest Savannah but Tim said it's small & not much to do so I suggested Charleston. She said it was cute there, more stuff to do and we should stay at a B&B. Of course, we're trying to do this all last minute. Every bloody time! I just hope we do something for her bday, even if we go to a bunch of games. Hmm... Oh yeah, Kuya Uge wanted to go to Phoenix this coming weekend too for snowboarding then track day. However, since the Giants lost against the Eagles... Cardinals are hosting so all the flights are booked. Even for other airlines. Boo Plaxico.

Forgotten

I hadn't forgotten. I just hadn't gone to Rosehill in 2 weeks, the last Sunday of 2008 and the first Sunday of 2009. Yesterday makes it 19 months and Tay and I went for our usual Dunkin Donuts en route to cemetery. No smoking anymore though. I haven't smoked in 12 days. Yay me. I miss my mother. We had come from dropping Dawn off to work and then headed to Phil-Am in Colonia to get some bigas. And Clover chips.

I got into another misunderstanding with Joaquin earlier today. Always something silly but as usual I was defensive & loudmouthed and he yelled at me. I hung up on him, didn't want to hear him ask me what's wrong with me. I already know. But these misunderstandings are so dumb because they just escalate so quickly and I just don't know how to stop it unless I just act an emotionless robot. Keep your voice even, don't show any displeasure at things that aren't going your way. Do not use contractions. I'm too stubborn and he has strong views on how things should be. And I really just don't adhere to logical trains of thought but it's like I have to/should act a certain way around him so he doesn't get upset or completely misunderstand me and I feel like I'm not being myself which isn't so healthy in the long run. And I do talk without thinking most times and no one should take real offense but things that I think are no big deal, he gets all riled up about because he did misunderstand me. So what? I whined about missing the Giants game, all of a sudden I'm this insensitve prick about not wanting to a go to a church service before his friend's wedding service because of a football game. I already said I was going to go & I usually stick to my word so what if I whined? And yes you're a bigger Giants football fan but 3rd opportunity for me to go to Bibi's grandpa's death related gathering & I'm not going yet again. And I've been friends with her for half my life now. And I thought for a second that maybe love isn't enough when I always thought it was. And we are in love but maybe we're just not good for each other. Idk... a lot to think about. He apologized later for talking to me that way because I am a person he respects and is intellegent and he doesn't want to be that kind of person yelling at a person like me who he loves. I apologized for pushing him towards that behavior.

Side still hurts. I watched a good bootleg copy of Gran Turino, courtesy of Kuya Uge's coworker. Good movie, Clint Eastwood's still got it. His character reminded me of Uncle John, a scary racist version of him anyway.

Music: Green Bird from Cowboy Bebop soundtrack

Maintenance

Finally maintenance came today, after 2 more calls placed this morning. One man came to fix the sink & scope out the damage in the basement. He said we'll have to move all our stuff over so that they can bring the carpet steamer down to disinfect the wet carpet. Then 2 more guys came later to repair the overhead light in the basement & they also inspected the damage from the leaky wall. They also said we'd have to move our stuff but they'd have to also rip the walls out to seal the leak which was a given. At any rate, at least that's being taken care of.

Again of the useless mind and body again but I did wake up at 9am. Sadly got up at 10am but small victory. Tomorrow, I set the alarm for 8am & I could possibly get up at 9am. I was talking to Ana F. earlier this evening & she told me to apply for a retail job, any retail job. It may not lead to much or anything career-wise but they're always hiring & at the very least I'll get out of the house. She also wanted to hook up & chill. We'll see since I'm broke and Bibs & Dra are busy. I texted Bibs again today, see how she's doing but no reply as of yet. She did text me something happy new year related 3 days after that fact but I couldn't open the attachment. Her grandpa passed away recently & to say she's blue is an understatement. She's strong though, but she'll be hurting for awhile. Dra has her hands full with an almost 2 year old. I'd like to state for the record that I am a douche as I have yet to meet her baby girl. Fat lot of a good friend I am. Bugger this, I need a driver's license.

Must call insurance company, email Carmina my resume after I ask Tita Cay where to send it to, and generally not be a layabout. My right side is hurting again, the therapy was helping but with no insurance to speak of I of course am slim pickings on options. I still have my meds though but I don't take those unless I can't deal. And that happens never, I've still got my full prescription. Pay some bills. Find some hidden money and a miracle tomorrow.

Dawn still has to be picked up from work. Hopefully I can keep my head together long enough to learn some Spanish or even check out that Tai Chi Chuan dvd I have. Most likely I'll just watch Angel. On a last note, the kidlet Pepe has to have her eyelid operated on because that sty has hardened & no amount of hot compresses or eye drops are going to make it better. Insert *coughs* and *ahems* and *uhm mms* here. A shake of the head here too. Well... let's all take a lesson from that page shall we? Regarding children & spouses. 5 years old & 2 scars on her face already. Reality check, princesses don't smell and they don't have scars.

music: Minority by Green Day

Leaks!

I pretty much sat on my ass today, on facebook no less! Argh!! Anyway, rained all day today which lead to a leak in the basement. It never happened before but since it's coming from the walls and not the basement window, there might be a hole between the units. Probably chewed through by the squirrels in my ceiling. Or they could've dug too deep when maintenance put in the new a/c unit outside the house this past summer. So we placed THREE service calls and nada. nothing. zilch. zero. No one came. So tomorrow, the gloves have to come off. Also, the main pipe in the kitchen sink has come loose so now it's propped up by discarded chinese food plastic containers & a piece of wood! I can't wash dishes! Which is about the one contribution I can make at this point in my poor unemployed existence.

So I waited all day for nothing. And facebook is particularly evil because you could just be on it, finding old friends, playing Rock Legends, chatting with other unemployed friends, and NOT know that your ass is asleep. And has been for the past 2 hours and you only get up to pee or get something to drink. Total waste of a day. Except for the rockin' out on Rock Legends & finding 2 old friends.

Speaking of old friends, I just finished speaking with Marisol Galindo. She said I was cute because I seemed to not have changed since my St. John's days. I'm not sure if that's a good thing... but I haven't known her since I was 14, half my life ago. Holy shiet! lol... crap I'm getting old. Anyway, tomorrow's another day. Someday I'll look back at all this and laugh... or cry.

Just to note, the last time I was unemployed it was for 11 months. No money, no direction, no going out, no familial contributions for 11 long months, four seasons basically. And may the Almighty God help me but I don't remember much of it since I spent it wallowing in despair over the first love break-up. He's an idiot. Oh well for him; I mean good luck with the doppelganger of me you're currently dating! Mee-yow. *snicker*

Kaplooey

...that's the sound my head will make when my brain finally implodes. I have had the mother, not to mention son, of all headaches. Started Saturday night and hasn't really gone away since. There were small twinges of it during the week, like when I woke up in the morning. But they'd go away as the day progressed, usually within the hour once I started my day going. However since Saturday/early Sunday morning, it's just been there. I took 4 Tylenol just to go to the Devils game that night but when I woke up Monday morning, I felt like a Mack truck drove over me and then back up cuz it missed a spot!
ugh, wasted the day because of this invalid state. err not really, but you know I'm whiney like this. I took a Tylenol earlier this evening just so the puke feeling will go away. All so I can kill it's medicinal aid with watching 7 episodes of Angel and peering into facebook for Rock Legends. I'm not sure which is more evil of the two... I did cut my fingernails, been meaning to do that for the last 2 days. I will take the small victory and relish in it. Dagnamit.
Tomorrow, I live to fight [me] another day.

Devils 4-3

didn't do so hot at the beginning of the day, like around midnight. i had a difference in opinion about tim's attitude when it's her family hanging out with her friends. like, her crappy hostess attitude which i may have mentioned. [of course, like all little things that bug me the moment i share it/say it out loud it gets blown out of proportion because no one has manners to wait their turn in speaking and/or it'll bite me in the ass in the form of making me look bad or wrong.] dawn went and defended her when i cited how she snapped at me at the nets vs bobcats game and we were only past the gate 5 min tops. impatient! anyway, then kuya uge was got all heated telling me and her to just calm the f*ck down because before we know it, just looking at each other is gonna piss us off.
so of course i storm back up to my room where with all my mutterings about bastards, i rudely woke up joaquin. which he didn't say anything about until later on when his trying to get me to talk got him nowhere & he just threw that in my face to get me to focus. i'm f*cking selfish, i'm not sure why people don't get that. i can be all caring if you give me a paycheck but let's face it, i am so damn selfish it's ridiculously immature. i pay no mind to important things and focus on little things that have no business irking me in the first place. well irking me for more than 2 min of my life anyway. so joaquin got me talking, totally uncomfortable for me of course since i don't do that talking thing. it occurred to me that even if i open up past the filipino thing of NOT, it doesn't mean the people i live with will get it or respect it or do it. so i could be all open and my own family will just find it annoying. SO, move out? i'm being stifled? i'm not growing as a person because all my negative behavior doesn't get criticized by people if find important aka my loved ones. and we all know this, that hotel ruined me. i'm pretty sure i've gotten dumber working that job. i'm still naively trustworthy of people though so NO hurrah there. you'd think i'd bloody learn but i keep reflecting that people try to do good and live by their word because hell, that's what i try to do! not only am i selfish, but i am also a negative person. i don't just complain about sh!t to vent, i just complain! i don't do anything to fix it and i concentrate so much on what a victim i am. i don't f*cking fight back! for not a damned thing do i fight back! and it really occurred to me why i dislike some people, it's the way they make me feel. not that people can make you feel anything but lack of a better phrase... anyway, i know i'm not crazy. unstable at the moment with the depression and all... but i immensely dislike people who get me to envision their own deaths by my hands. trust, i've thought about just ending it all because life is just f*cking painful sometimes and hope is such a precious gift. i'm being serious here. but when i start thinking of offing myself and taking a few people with me, i need to do something because everyone has a demon in them but they don't have to let it stand on soapbox and do a round of evil word vomit. ugh!
i had a doozy of a headache this morning. brought on by the late night disagreement which lead to the tensing of my injured muscles which lead to tears and talk and swollen eyes. and damn, my right side hurt like a bitch. i managed to get through my morning bathroom rituals and getting a load of laundry in before i curled up on the basement couch like a little bitch with the lights off. joaquin brought down tea and soup and sympathy and i love him so. then i swallowed down 2 tylenol because i was determined to go to the devils vs. senators game at prudential. it was a good game, exciting even, with better seats than we've had before. gotta love the RU alumni promotion nights. and of course, tim was perfectly good company.

i've worried joaquin. he said he'll pray for me; i need it. he's also offered to buy me an iphone because for some reason i had illusions of having one.

3rd Strike...but not out

working towards a bigger goal, not so much. however today i did get up early for an unemployed mooch and made breakfast for everyone else. there was turkey bacon, scrambled eggs with mushrooms and english muffins to be had. plus there were 2 bricks of cheese [smoked cheddar & baby swiss] and plenty o'marmalade if anybody wished. i had a small smidgen of that. ma used to make those toasty goodnesses...
then not much else the rest of the day. everyone was watching football, tay is still out sick from work and kuya uge was coming back from a double [overnight to am shift]. my side is beginning to act up again, but i'm not sure if it's because i've been doing that exercise stepper. maybe i should ask my doctor, if he isn't pissed with me... i don't do well maintaining good relationships and by the grace of God & others' patience & understanding i've had friends remain after prolonged absences. then since no one wanted to cook, joaquin ordered papa john's for us. i chipped in $10 for his trouble. he said he wanted to do something nice, give a little in return. i hate not having money and it's so ingrained in me to buy stuff for everybody.
tomorrow, we have a devils vs. senators game. much to my annoyance, dawn & kuya uge bailed out for work reasons. which will leave me with tim and her friends. not that her friends are not nice, it's just tim isn't very hospitable whenever family and friends mix. for example, her feast of the piggies thing. i'm not wrong to call her bitchy.

well, back to Angel. did i mention i dreamt about vampires again? i think we were coming to some sort of agreement. i saw sunshine in the wide open windows beyond the desk & we were discussing some business arrangement in a non-diabolical way. i thought i saw that edward fellow from twilight there but who knows. i got roused from the land of nod before i could figure it out. until next time, i shall remain optimistic. hopefully that message heather left me is some good news regarding applying for a union job.

second attempt

yesterday was pretty much a bust. i didn't feel a 100%, joints ache-y, nose was clogged. ugh, not a great start to a new year. plus i didn't get to sleep until around 3am so the old habits are creeping up.
on the plus side, i didn't have to be woken up by alarm since i woke up all on my own. just shy of 10am, which was my alarm clock. i've discovered my mood for the day is significantly better if i just wake up on my own. granted, i didn't actually do anything of consequence today. i washed dishes and straightened out the kitchen as i normally do. tomorrow, i shall do the same i'm sure of it. then i read Tales of Beedle the Bard while i was on the step exerciser. i did about 12 min before i got a twinge in my knees. i think the foot spacing is too close for it to work effectively. either that or that inner thigh fat is just screwing with me on a subconscious level. lol! i also managed to shower today, really really hot shower. felt good on my skin... but i didn't do much else afterwards, just waited for joaquin to get here. i'm sad.
also, occurred to me in order to improve my balance i should take up tai chi chuan. supposedly it improves your center, balance, meditation, etc. couldn't hurt, right? maybe by the warmer months, we could be an razor and not bust our ass.

"just be yourself... unless you suck." - joss whedon.
joss is boss. heh heh

Hello 2009!

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. And I've felt out of sync for a while now. I want to live. Live for me, live for my family, and live for Joaquin. None of us deserve any less.

Aurora brings the dawn, a fair wind and a fresh start. Let's see what she has to offer.