didn't do so hot at the beginning of the day, like around midnight. i had a difference in opinion about tim's attitude when it's her family hanging out with her friends. like, her crappy hostess attitude which i may have mentioned. [of course, like all little things that bug me the moment i share it/say it out loud it gets blown out of proportion because no one has manners to wait their turn in speaking and/or it'll bite me in the ass in the form of making me look bad or wrong.] dawn went and defended her when i cited how she snapped at me at the nets vs bobcats game and we were only past the gate 5 min tops. impatient! anyway, then kuya uge was got all heated telling me and her to just calm the f*ck down because before we know it, just looking at each other is gonna piss us off.
so of course i storm back up to my room where with all my mutterings about bastards, i rudely woke up joaquin. which he didn't say anything about until later on when his trying to get me to talk got him nowhere & he just threw that in my face to get me to focus. i'm f*cking selfish, i'm not sure why people don't get that. i can be all caring if you give me a paycheck but let's face it, i am so damn selfish it's ridiculously immature. i pay no mind to important things and focus on little things that have no business irking me in the first place. well irking me for more than 2 min of my life anyway. so joaquin got me talking, totally uncomfortable for me of course since i don't do that talking thing. it occurred to me that even if i open up past the filipino thing of NOT, it doesn't mean the people i live with will get it or respect it or do it. so i could be all open and my own family will just find it annoying. SO, move out? i'm being stifled? i'm not growing as a person because all my negative behavior doesn't get criticized by people if find important aka my loved ones. and we all know this, that hotel ruined me. i'm pretty sure i've gotten dumber working that job. i'm still naively trustworthy of people though so NO hurrah there. you'd think i'd bloody learn but i keep reflecting that people try to do good and live by their word because hell, that's what i try to do! not only am i selfish, but i am also a negative person. i don't just complain about sh!t to vent, i just complain! i don't do anything to fix it and i concentrate so much on what a victim i am. i don't f*cking fight back! for not a damned thing do i fight back! and it really occurred to me why i dislike some people, it's the way they make me feel. not that people can make you feel anything but lack of a better phrase... anyway, i know i'm not crazy. unstable at the moment with the depression and all... but i immensely dislike people who get me to envision their own deaths by my hands. trust, i've thought about just ending it all because life is just f*cking painful sometimes and hope is such a precious gift. i'm being serious here. but when i start thinking of offing myself and taking a few people with me, i need to do something because everyone has a demon in them but they don't have to let it stand on soapbox and do a round of evil word vomit. ugh!
i had a doozy of a headache this morning. brought on by the late night disagreement which lead to the tensing of my injured muscles which lead to tears and talk and swollen eyes. and damn, my right side hurt like a bitch. i managed to get through my morning bathroom rituals and getting a load of laundry in before i curled up on the basement couch like a little bitch with the lights off. joaquin brought down tea and soup and sympathy and i love him so. then i swallowed down 2 tylenol because i was determined to go to the devils vs. senators game at prudential. it was a good game, exciting even, with better seats than we've had before. gotta love the RU alumni promotion nights. and of course, tim was perfectly good company.
i've worried joaquin. he said he'll pray for me; i need it. he's also offered to buy me an iphone because for some reason i had illusions of having one.
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