FOM or bust

you know it's just a title because at the end of the day it's about quality of life.

because i've never really had a whole lot of money to burn and my upbringing, money hasn't ever been all that important to me. sure it's nice to have, it's neat to get stuff that you want because you can afford it, but truthfully money is just a tool. that being said, i have been getting frequent instances where i could be happier being fom if only i were paid more. without being specific, and considering it's more or less the same amount of work, i still made more money at the cancermount. the hours are slightly better too; only a scant 10 hours instead of 12+, with weekends off! huzzah! i also get a bonus at the beginning of every month which unfortunately is highly dependent on many ridiculous factors. it could very well be just the mulder in me, but i swear that bonus check is getting less and less every month despite the fact we end the month at 100% at about 3/4 of it. of course, overselling is a factor that could be avoided all together. i don't understand why the concept of selling a room day off is a heck of a lot easier than finding another room at a another hotel day off is a mind frak all on its own. seriously, it costs hotels more money to oversell. if we're all concerned about math maybe we should hire a different asian to do our books. nevermind how bloody aggravating it is for the front desk to deal with it. it's not just a number! there's people involved. people who've travelled x hours and are most likely quite tired. all for that precious bonus. and i hardly believe you've "forgotten" to replace pinoche because i'm sure one less person on the payroll is offsetting all those stupid as shit walks. furthermore, if you want 100% then check in the no shows. every other hotel does it and it's not the indecent kind of padding one's numbers because we're still getting the money. and guess what? one less room for housekeeping to clean which means maybe they'll return the dirty ones faster! everybody wins! if the concern is an accurate management system generated no show percentage, do it the good old fashioned way... write it down and calculate it yourself. we have calculators and pens and paper for it. wow wow wee!

i swear, call me lando. this deal is getting worse and worse every time.

frak it. i'm going to start my own hotel. call it cloud city. and i'll bloody tell you how it's really run. if hotels weren't so necessary, people would stop using them if they knew the human filthiness behind it all.

Challenges

Supposedly God never gives you anything you can't handle but there are days, like today, that even my fledgling amount of faith is tried and tested. And maybe it's not proper, but sometimes I just need to indulge in a little anger so my head will clear and I can come up with a plan of action as soon as I convince myself the problem presented can be solved. However when I get chastised for even getting angry, it makes me angrier. And getting angry involves tears and that makes me angry enough as it is. Maybe I am cutting off extra years in my life, but at least it was my choice. Of course, I do the same thing to him and getting angry at random people so I suppose I should just keep my mouth shut. I don't usually get into a rage like that anyway.

There is really no limit to human stupidity or ignorance for that matter. A small clerical error and a parental unit's negligence is now causing me some ridiculous difficulty. Of course when I turned 18, I should've fixed it since legally then I was an adult and at that point I'm the master of my fate. Or whatever. Coming from an island mentality, everything is always alright and complacent should be my middle name. And to fix this mistake involves a catch 22 cycle of bureaucratic nonsense. This is all compounded into a hot mind fuck since I live at home with questionable models of familial behavior and a JOB that would be cake except the captain of the tired, schwag ship is incompetent with an ego the size of Texas.

Speaking of Texas, Rangers vs Giants for the World Series. So far it's 2-0 Giants. The Devils are last in the league, blah. Hmm...the co founder of youtube stepped down as CEO. An RU football player, Eric LeGrand, remains in the hospital after sustaining an injury that left him with no feeling from the neck down. Bibi got engaged and Giant is pissed that he has to attend some chick celebration [engagement party] when he wants to go to a football game. Firstly, I'm not really the party kind and secondly, no way in hell I'm going to some engagement party all by my damn self. Tim has a...what's a word that doesn't mean boyfriend? She claims she doesn't like the word but if a boy comes around the house and sleeps over... Tim's bao bei? Also, if you don't introduce someone & expect a blood relative to accept he's good people based on your implied and assumed credential for judging human character *breathe* don't get pissy when that person doesn't. No one likes to wait for a stranger to finish brushing his teeth while one has to take a leak at 2 in the morning in their own house.

Did I mention I'm frustrated as hell? Anyway, click on that youtube link [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HEBdBPMBR4 ] for something funny. Me dun wid har! lol

Droid

Switched it up, no more iPhone. I got a Samsung Captivate with the Android 2.1 OS. So far so good, but it does take some getting used to. I wasn't sold on the iPhone 4. Sure the screen was nice, retina burning indeed. I'm sure it has faster connection however whenever AT&T jumps on the 4G goodness, the iPhone 4 wouldn't be able to support it. Maybe they'll fix it with a software update, idk. But I figured instead of getting the same thing more or less, let's get out of the comfort zone & get a droid. I did want to try an android based phone when they first released 1.1 however it wasn't an option on my carrier. And the iPhone was as good a choice as any. I already had iTunes so it wasn't that big of a leap. And only recently before the iPS crashed was I actually utilizing games.

So... my Droid needs a name. I like it so far, although wish Angry Birds was on it. But I wasn't too big on games to begin with since they always drained the battery. I also liked Echofon as a Twitter client however Seesmic seems pretty decent. It's better than Twidroid imo and it's bordering is red. Also, can't beat the 4inch AMOLED screen and storage upgradeable via microSD card up to 32gb in addition to the 16gb on board memory. I currently only have 8gb on it but considering I never had more than a 4gb mp3 player it's no big. With a hummingbird processor, HD video recording is sweet paired with a 5mp camera. While there is no flash, you can always download Photoshop mobile from the Market for free for any corrections. To be fair, the camera itself already has software to control exposures before you even take the picture. And Samsung finally is using 3.5mm headphone jack instead of that foolishness they were trying to pass with their original smartphones. My BlackJack needed a headphone adaptor to use with their phones. Awkward connection and cumbersome needing to carry another wire just to listen to your music. Nevermind WinMo wasn't the friendliest of UIs. Although I didn't have any real problems. Second finally, my droid supports Swype. By far one of the coolest ways to input text but I haven't gotten the hang of it. Programmed by the same guy who wrote T9 predictive text for the alphanumeric keypads.

All in all, awesomesauce. Now what to name it?

water company fixing a hydrant?

New Soccer Stadium

Memorial Day

Yesterday was the Feast of the Piggies. I think it went alright; hopefully people had fun. Then again, I'm not really all invested in the enjoyment of others for that particular gathering. Not to be malicious or anything, just not my party. I suggested to Tim maybe next year make a list of needed items grouped into a fair dollar amount. Like everyone spends $15 but everything needed gets brought by the confirmed guests. I don't know, just throwing it out there. The kid seemed to have a good time, up until it was time to go home. Convinced her fine enough to get into the car with a $2 cup of bubblegum flavored Italian ice. Kid cracks me up. She asked me why we all call her baby and stated that if Tita Dawn cleaned up her room she'd sleep there when she comes over. LoL! The feast spoils of war was ALOT of junk food. Seriously, there's alot of chips and dip. And we ate a tray of cookies already. And soda...ugh.

Memorial Day brought with it a day of work. Unfortunately, it didn't bring a staff since both the bellman and agent called out. Richard & Vic stayed behind to assist with V at the door. Very interesting morning, went by more or less smoothly mainly because the 2 of them kept doing most of the work. Lame on my part, didn't even do inventory. I did post the schedule and tally up the hours worked by everyone else. Managed to get out of there by 5pm too. At the very least, cleared the air between myself and Richard. We'll see how long that lasts.

News bits: Kuya Uge has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Tay's appointments turned out fine, he had his last follow up last Friday. Timmy has a migraine and is still wearing my cheap knockoff sunglasses. Dawn has moved upstairs to the other bedroom. Ever since the giant TV was purchased, people been jonesing for basement real estate. Me? I still don't sleep well.

Lolo Play

when Tim and I were little kids and we'd all go to Lucena for some family thing or another, my great uncle used to play with us kids. now in my family, play meant make fun or tease until the little kid cried. for really absurd reasons, that brought joy and amusement to the elders. I guess we're just a bunch of live and let live jokers but don't cross us or we'll cut you kind of family. tito Enad or Lolo Play as we used to call him, used to do this one thing. he used to grab our wrist and tell us he wouldn't let us go until we said this word. but it wasn't really a word, it was a nonsense word he had made up that no 4 year old would be able to say! anyway, we always ended up crying for Ma and the rest of them would laugh. that was the gauntlet, so to speak, of all the children on my mother's side of the family. making a little kid cry was funny, to them. mostly filipinos aren't very thick skinned but with that kind of childhood, you learn to tolerate alot of things!

Tito Enad passed away today, 7am NY time. Tita Zeny was midflight, just coming back from the PI from seeing him actually. Ang daming pasalubong as usual. He had said a few weeks ago that he was wondering why Millet wouldn't come forward, like she was being shy. He was in the hospital, in a disease haze. Kuya Uge said no wonder he hadn't dreamt about Mama, she was in the PI visiting Tito Enad. Us Catholics, you know how it is. Towards the end, you always see your favorites.

RIP LoLo Play <3

fom

well I bloody did it. half cocked and said yes. story of my life.

due to lack of personnel, the schedule remains the same with me on during evenings and weekends. i don't actually mind those hours but the gm doesn't buy that. i'll get the same schedule as he did and i think i have to wear suits now. better get my suits out from their plastic covers. wonder if any of them still fit.... i loved that shark grey suit, that one fit me real well. funnily enough, was the cheapest suit i owned. anyway, i'll keep reporting the full repercussions of this half hearted decision. i still stand by my theory that i got set up for this position. what's done is done.

so should i consider this a growing pain? it is like a progression of career(?); first clerk, then supervisor, then afom, and now fom. chasingamy tweeted back about taking the plunge and wished me "godspeed my friend," which i thought was exceptionally funny when i first read it. maybe because i was on my bus, watching the little drama play between the 2 coworkers who don't sit together on the bus anymore. curious... anyway, my response was "yeah i've lost my damn mind. it's ok tho cuz last time that happened i got most of it back ;)." sadly true. i hope i don't have to use lando's line a few weeks' time.

speaking of which, happy international star wars day! belated anyway. may the 4th be with you! lol. there's no L on my forehead but there could be a D for dweeb if you look hard enough. i worke my r2d2 shirt too!

"you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. we must be cautious."

sold out

cch actually sold out on a sunday night, despite the final reports not reflecting that. but physically speaking, every room is occupied. that's a-nice.

i haven't seen my planner in a week so basically just been meandering about with no plan. i'd be alarmed except most days that's how i operate anyway... but it's nice to see things on paper! i've only marked out until the end of june. i really should finish that moleskin hack, so to speak.

sitrep:
- forgot to pay timmay rent so now i'm taping up the check to the wall so she can grab it on her way out and hopefully deposit it before she goes to work. she spent the weekend at the borgata in ac for the weezer concert. she also hit the coach store & bought me, dawn, and stephanie coach wristlets. made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside, her thought not the actual present.

-forgot to pay a couple of bills actually. sh!t, better do that now.

-continental and united airlines are merging tomorrow (or now today). continental name will be dissolved since united apparently carries a stronger name. however management will fall to coair standards.

-remember that fom that disappeared.while i'm still on the fence about this being a brilliant idea, it's not a terrible idea and i've put myself out there as interested. it's just a job, right?

Missed Memo

sometimes I wonder what the hold up is, this is one of those times.

i'm not sure what spurned the random fb stalking [another reason why the internet is evil], but i decided i'd check up on some people. come to think of it, this probably started last week when i read dena fish was going to lamaze class. she makes 3 of my old roommates pregnant, at least the ones i can still keep track off. i don't even know how mel is doing and sometimes that bothers me. she's one of those cool even keeled chicks. she smoked like a chimney and we drove home drunk one time & the whole time she kept yelling Jesus.

frak i seriously got lost somewhere. it's not like there was an audible snap when things fall apart. it's more like the world bottoming out underneath your feet and your skin scrawls up like you're falling really fast and a cold sweat breaks out on the back of your neck because you know damn sure you can't do sh!t about it. and there's equal parts surrender and hope but really you're just hoping to stop falling before you become a complete halfwit. i probably should have seen a psychiatrist when i had the chance [and the insurance coverage!] and gotten all this out instead of it festering to this stagnant living death.

i am alive. but nothing changes. i may as well be dead.

i don't think i'm sad though. just tired.

i make lists. i don't always cross everything out. i lose the lists. i make other lists but really it's just one day blending into another. there are days i miss wearing a suit. and sometimes i still remember that giddy feeling planning out a career. i do remember wanting to be a general manager at some point. i also remember spending four years of my life taking a route to build a foundation in law enforcement. my personal space was always in order, even when i was messy. wanting things is sometimes dangerous though.

i should go to sleep. the urge to break something has passed and i should take the opportunity to nod off.

Pineapple Express

I've borrowed this movie over 3 weeks ago. Unfortunately, over 3 weeks ago was also the last time I had 2 days off in a row. I finally got to watch it. It's not as funny as PZ made it sound, but I wanted to smoke pot just to achieve that sort of non-linear conversation with someone. Although I'm certain I could attain that without mj...

So... EP disappeared. Gone the way of termination due to job abandonment. I can't say I blame the guy, FOM is more often than not a demanding job. A thankless position, fraught with demands, and blissfully ungrateful staff. Like I said before, it's all roses and daises for staff but what they never seem to put together is that flowers bloom in a giant pile of manure. And underneath said pile, you find the FOM. Accounting stuff ends up on your pile. GM crap ends up on your pile. Complaints end up on your pile. Giant said something funny [not the haha kind] about me and working myself into a frenzy. I'm irrational and really get single minded. Let tending a marijuana plant, all hover-y and checking on it every two minutes. I don't ever want to be dedicated to something that will only result in an ulcer in the long run.

The GM is looking to hire but it's looking like slow progress despite the national fact unemployment is at a high rate. There should be more people applying. Regardless, she also said we're looking for another part time front desk clerk. Meanwhile, making schedules is just annoying. Schedules are easy if you have the staff available. I'm keeping even at annoyed. And some people just ask for too much, as if they're unaware of a short handed staff. Find yourself a social director, I am not that person. Biggest pet peeve of mine in a managerial position, people forget they work for the company not the other way around. Let's not get started on how young people act these days, irregardless of color. Belief in oneself is a beautiful thing, unless one loses sight of community and accountability. And that pesky sense of entitlement, that sh!t really needs to be nipped in the bud....boom! *snicker*

GM said I was acting FOM for the time being, which really isn't that stressful for now. I feel like I'm being forced to make a decision about my life and despite that pressure, I really have been too complacent about my life about for far too long. So really, this is just another incendiary for that fire I'm supposed to be lighting under my ass. And what the hell have I been doing? Downloading Taylor Swift songs that's what! Seriously, I feel like I not only emotionally/rationally/mentally stunted myself just from cracking up, but I took it upon myself to reset to a younger age. Of course the obvious flaw in this "logic" is when I was younger, I was actually quite focused getting to my goals with very little regard to my physical well being ignoring things like sleep and sobriety. Graduated with a double major in 4 years from RU, and held down a job sometimes 2 with volunteer work during my whole tenure. And was quite active socially! The energy definitely came from that fountain of youth people keep looking for in vain.

Now I'm almost thirty, I don't drink much at all, stopped smoking altogether and I still don't get enough sleep but I eat slightly better. But while exhaustion and teeny voices of doubt didn't stop me before, I'm continually brought to my knees on a daily basis asking for a relief. I'm not sure who I'm asking but I suspect my continual shaky faith is probably my undoing. I believe enough in myself that I can get through the day with negligible urges to blow up everything around me, not literally of course. But sometimes I just don't see the point of this struggle and I think I'm losing this human "race." I don't even know what the hell is at the finish line. Death? All those platitudes about the journey being what counts is just patronizing. Crap, I'm in a sour mood. Not sure when it snuck up, my apologies.

Summary.... hmm, Pineapple Express entertaining but didn't make me laugh as much as one episode of Family Guy. Being FOM is generally a bad idea because I know I would hate myself and become a bitter workaholic. And while it's a wise move career wise, is this really the career I want?! Besides, I wouldn't be the kind of FOM people will like...not that I give 2 shits what people think but I like to have a civil if not altogether jovial kind of work environment. I know I'd demand something a lot more than what everyone else is used to. GM probably wouldn't mind but then people would quit. Let's face it, if you can't follow simple things like a schedule and punctuality you and I are not going to get along if you are under me. And lastly, I'm too complacent for my own good and I get cranky out of nowhere.

Fight 'em til you can't.

Olympics

It has been an X amount of years since I've sat down and actually watched a portion of the Olympics. The women's downhill was quite impressive, Vonn from USA won. The men's halfpipe very entertaining, White from USA won. The hockey game between USA vs Norway finished, another USA win 6-1. Strange that the only 3 events I've watched were all USA gold wins.

I haven't done a whole lot today. I woke up late for Tay's doc appointment, he had a CAT scan scheduled for today. Everyone else had work. I vegged on the computer, entertained the notion of watching Caprica on OnDemand but that fizzled out in lieu of playing on the computer. When Tay returned, we went to pick up Dawn from work where I unexpectedly blew $50 since Dawn's card wouldn't go through. Then hit BK at Woodbridge, caught the hockey game and now here we are... Watching Law & Order (the mothership).

God, Kuya needs to go on a diet. He's so bleedin fat.

Pawn, the replay

The title makes me laugh.

Let me start off that twice now in my life, I had been unemployed for an extended period of time causing me to question my worth as a human being. Not that I'm defining my worth with a job per se but there is much to be said about the devil and idle hands. I am quite grateful to have a job, to have people to talk to aside from loved ones and the little voices of destructive doubt in my mind. I am glad I can contribute to family expenses and that I don't have to ask anyone for money just to grocery shop. That is an atrocious feeling but I think I did a decent job of still being able to give something, if not my charitable organizations, with my meager unemployment pay. Also grateful that it had been ingrained me from the last time of not having a source of income to save money so I had a livable amount of funds in the bank. It was still pretty tense and I still didn't get enough sleep.

A couple of weeks ago, I was handed the dubious "honor" of making the front office schedule as well as responsibility for making sure everyone is properly in uniform. The so called evening shift supervisor, who also did inventory, now had additional responsibilities. I'm no stranger to those, especially in a hotel environment but I started to get a niggling feeling of being used. I'm dense, seriously it's a handicap, but the big honking fact that they hired me for a, um lower?, position should have been a dead giveaway that they were going to get rid of the smarmy young turd currently "running" the evenings. Regardless, that's all done with. The GM, the clawed demoness that rules the roost, had called me into her office to talk about my position and how I should view it, expect from it and what she expect from me. While the whole meeting was decidedly necessary albeit late, it was an enlightenment of sorts. First, there are micromanagers and then there is our GM. Given, demoness is way harsh but there's a tinge of gold around her eyes and if you're a giant dork you'd get what I mean. She can't be more than 35ish so it's an impressive feat to be a GM. However, throw a momentary pause in that and anyone with half a brain will figure she's ruthless. Learned at a later date that she was the AGM and successfully got the GM then fired, stepping into his place. Second, my pet peeve of being called a person with potential was uttered quite casually during our meeting. I hate hate hate that. Potential is such a patronizing way of describing an employee. Either you can do it or you can't, and no I'm not negating growth potential or the inevitability of learning something new every day. I feel like it's a manipulation and control, giving someone beneath you a crumb, a carrot to do better so you can get a pat on the head. And fuck me if I'm too old for that shit. Third, I am not going to be happy at this job. Even if they raised my pay, gave me less to do, and let me work less hours; despite the people there I still wouldn't be happy. Bottom line is, my heart's not into it.

It's true what they say, if you have a job you love you never work a day in your life. And since the odds of me winning the BIG lotto are slim to never gonna happen, I know enough to really make some changes. I mean, if you hate something why hang around? Joaquin said something interesting, it was about never taking risks that would be beneficial. He's wiser than me.

So.....I ordered from the Great Courses. I ordered the package deal, constructing sentences and argumentative thinking. We will see.

Nighttime

I seriously should try to sleep but here we are again. Having a computer is truly evil.

I was trying to figure out why I read all those fanfics at night. I mean, I just plow through at least 2 of the a night before bedtime. Reading is supposed to make you relaxed but all I want to do is keep reading. Maybe if I went back to BSG fic and not all the Buffyfic I'd be able to sleep. Or hey, good old XF fic! There are some crazy talented writers out there.

Nighttime is tricky because if I don't read, I think. And thinking leads to all sorts of roads and messes and it's nothing but regrets and missed opportunities that keep a person up at night. Really, it's true. I'm trying to get my head straight again, living so long in a fog of complacent discontent. Or learned helplessness. Sometimes I surprise myself, little white lies that I tell myself to get through the day isn't so frequent anymore. And sometimes my mouth says things that makes sense before my brain has even processed the last 5 secs which leads me to believe I was once a level headed person who did the right things. And before I kept the light on at night because I was afraid of monsters or maybe I was afraid the dark things in my head would take corporeal stand and kill me where I lay trying to sleep. But nighttime is so oppressive in it's silence, ferreting out any secrets you don't want to dissect. The silence is like a presence in the room, the ticking of the clock the only grounding for reality. So many thoughts. I'm trying. I'm less annoyed at things. I try to get things done. I aim for not elevating my heartbeat. Serious. Serious. Trying to crawl out of my own skin, or from behind that wall, behind piles of crap and excuses and bad habits. Trying trying trying. I'm not doing enough.

There's always silence though. I read. I distract myself.

There's something there, wanting things, nicer things, a break from the fucked up norm.

I'm not sure how to answer all those. It's awkward.

It's painful.

Road Block or Bump?

Seriously not a whole lot of shanshu-ing going on. I'm frustrated but at least I have insurance again. I was concerned that the forms were given to us the day before the due date & were still woefully sitting on the GM's inbox in the back office after she went home. But being the kind of worker I am, I checked my email & she had sent confirmation about getting our insurance cards in 14 days. Crazy, like how I was going to be if I didn't get insurance.

So one more grown up thing done. The next is taxes. I haven't even deposited last year's refund check so this should be interesting. I'm trying to save money although admittedly, these past 2 weeks I've been ordering food like I was making $25/hour like in the old days. I'll give the cancermount that, they paid bloody well.

I need to do more research and stop all this pussyfootin'. I did clean my closet somewhat & now if I can just take that pile of stuff stacked outside my door & move it to the dumpster I'm set for now. We're all a little bit of a hoarder on the inside, aren't we?

Redikulus

haha that title spelling is atrocious!
I wanted to talk about ridiculous things for this blog, spurred mainly by my overheard at Starbucks earlier today. Deciding I'd been a good little bit, I splurged on a grande chai latte today and was only mildly concerned with that creepy pretentious feeling I get when I go to Starbucks. Waiting patiently for my order by the pickup counter, I had my iPod off so as to hear my order when it comes up. Unfortunately, that also meant that I'd hear other people talking around me & usually the self serving vapid conversations are personally a huge turn off in regards to humanity as a whole. Anyway, some young dirty blonde man twit was talking about market margins nonprofit sector email someone or another was yapping with his little assimilation-ist Asian friend in front of the pick up counter. Hogging all the space naturally. The barista says the order out loud, soy hot chocolate with a shot of something and places it on the counter. She goes to make her next order. The 2 douchers kept talking so she says the order a little louder and blonde halfwit turns around & takes it from the counter then turns back to his friend with "why is she yelling? I'm like, right here. Bitch." To which little man answers back "I know right? ugh, let's get out of here." I'm all for putting the younger generation into farms where they learn manners and stop being so bloody queer. Unnecessary name calling and you damn well know you'd just omg die! without your daily Starbucks fix so don't front like you won't be back there tomorrow with the same stank attitude. People are really eww sometimes. Yuck. I got my chai & told the barista to have a nice day.

Redikulus #2. Jersey Shore on MTV. That show is the epitome of redikulus and the downfall of society if our future is in the hands of that kind of youths. Although I do have to admit, it's hysterically entertaining. The "cast" are like cartoon characters come to life; boggles my mind that people like that exist even though I've run into that sort. I've only seen 2 episodes and that reunion show they did. Hooking up, tanning, fist pumping and spikey scrunchy hair...wow. I am however comforted that they are not really from NJ, at least not all of them. Disappointing that people actually thing people from Jersey are like that. For example, the sales manager at CCH had said that's exactly how people are and she's right. At least she's right for where she lives in Jersey and that's Hoboken. And anyone from Jersey knows all about the douchbaggery that prowls on Washington St. LoL.

Redikulus #3. Opera & the internet keep going down at work. I've asked Eman this before, but does anyone have backdoor access to this thing? A certain someone who got fired & was loose friends with the guy who put the program together for CCH might have a let's fuck wit'em backdoor key. The system just seems to shut down on the weirdest times, like at the start of shifts... Just saying, if it's a coincidence why does it almost seem contrived?

It's 3:20am and I'm still awake. Going to Giant's tomorrow. Feet freezing, maybe I should go get my laundry downstairs. My God, I need to get my license back. Uncle John signed over the title of his car to Kuya Uge. So much for reducing our carbon footprint, that makes 5 vehicles. Doing taxes will be fun this year, on account of not working for most of 2009 I have no clue what to file. Or what paperwork I need. Got past probation, how's about some insurance boss?

Redik yo.

Restless @sshole

Apparently I act like my opinion counts more, I earned myself a you're an assh0le from Giant. So instead of making it worse, I stayed downstairs on the computer until I couldn't keep my eyes open. And now that I'm in my room, he's slumbering away wrapped up in the comforter & I'm too cold to go to sleep. I tried to stretch my legs out earlier & got nothing but a cramp for my troubles. I think I was right to stay downstairs, I always make things worse when I open my mouth. I try to explain it better or defend myself, but the way his face falls or that expression he makes... Lord, help me I want to either start a fight or blow my head off because that face just screams you're a screw up & grow the f up. I mean over Pink of all people. I said I don't read interviews of musicians because they almost always come off bad but he kept saying she's a giant doucher & I didn't want him to elaborate. So I said it again & somehow I came off as my opinion counts more. Giant shuts down, I'm suddenly feeling back into a corner & hello no talking. Unawesome, can't even get along for 5 fucking minutes.

So I hopped on little Sam here hoping I'd get tired again. I keep expecting blogger to autocorrect/complete the words I'm typing but iPhone this is not. I'm most likely forever ruined from owning another phone. I was just youtube-ing it up with some C/A videos and now I'm all pissy again. Idk why the hell I went with them but everything I've 'shipped has gone to sh!t anyway... But crap if Joss Whedon frakked that ish up! I can't even watch sometimes I get riled up. And I know it's just a TV show and I'm sure Giant is doing some head shaking even while he's sleeping but that show was good...

I've been accused of not placing the right amount of importance or priority on things. Like TV shows I'd get worked up over but not the apparent disability of my family to grow up. And I get that some people have had harder lives or real-er lives & that I seem ridiculous to said people...but it upsets me when that gets pointed out. Why are you upset over a TV show when there's suffering going on? I have learned helplessness or self preservation or whatever label there is out there that basically explains this is my tiny bubble in the world, sometimes I just can't help the bad things going on out there & please just let me enjoy this *breathe* condition. I'm sure selfish is another one of those colorful adjectives regarding my behavior. And I'm a little peeved right now, and the New Year brought me nothing but the red tide, but so frakking what? Life is harsh but why the hell are my little idiosyncrasies pointed out? Do I really have to feel guilty for enjoying something trivial? I could die tomorrow and it won't matter a damn bit anyhow what the f I've enjoyed or what lost cause was closest to my heart.

Ugh.